House

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Identity Crisis

Meanwhile, in House's office, Wilson and Cuddy have arrived to confront House, who's trying to nap here, people. How rude of them. He refuses to open his eyes at their commands, and Wilson thinks he's faking being asleep until he kicks House's chair and his head lolls to the side. Uh oh. Kumar and Foreman notice something's wrong as Wilson and Cuddy crouch over House. Wilson takes his pulse and says he's not breathing. Hooray! Wilson gets to do CPR on him like he's always dreamed! Cuddy tells Kumar and Foreman, who have run into the room at this point, to call a code. Kumar does, but Foreman uses his neurologist skills to determine that if House isn't breathing but still has a weak pulse, then all he has to do to get things going again is rip open House's shirt and give him a double titty twister. It works -- House screams himself awake and gasps for air. "You stopped breathing!" Wilson says immediately, like, I think House figured that out when he woke up with an oxygen deprivation headache and also, give the guy a second to get the lungs going again. What a nag! Cuddy just says an exasperated "what the hell is going on?" Oh, like she doesn't know -- it's House health crisis #13,204,123,412! The man comes back from the dead every season. Just because it happened twice last season doesn't mean they're going to skip it this year.

After the break, House has an oxygen mask and a stern glare from Cuddy. He's back to his normal self, though, asking if she can perform CPR on his penis, which has stopped breathing. Another missed opportunity for Wilson! All the Cottages are in the office now, and Cuddy says House's pupils are looking good. House assures them that he's fine, except for his nipples. Foreman's just like: :-| the entire time. House turns to Hadley and says he's glad she dumped Foreman before he could rip her nipples off. Also, he can apparently see her nipples through two layers of shirt and a lab coat. Has the near-death experience addled his brain or something? Cuddy's the one with the visible nipples all the time, not Hadley. He notices that Hadley is holding a folder with what he assumes are Jackson's lab results, but Hadley says he can wait until House isn't on the brink of death. Wilson speaks up and says House's non-concern about this must be because he knows why it happened. House chalks it up to too much Vicodin, then notices that Cuddy is listening to his chest on a stethoscope and decides to scream that he wants an update on his patient. Cuddy goes deaf, but she didn't stop breathing or anything, no one cares. Hadley says Jackson's liver and kidneys aren't functioning normally. Meanwhile, Kumar has checked his House Vicodin Daily Tally and it says that House didn't take any Vicodin today. Wilson then checks his House Vicodin Daily Tally and notes that House didn't take any yesterday at breakfast, either. House keeps trying to change the subject back to the patient, and Foreman finally comes up with a diagnosis of amyloidosis. Hadley shoots that down, saying Jackson's protein levels are normal. She thinks it's drugs and alcohol. House sends Kumar and Taub off to search Jackson's school and Foreman and Hadley off to search his home.

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House

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