House
Three Stories

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A+ | 3 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Something For Everyone

We're back in the farmer's hospital room, and House says they ended up giving him the antivenom. The Cottages have gathered around the bed, prepared for another allergic reaction. The farmer says he'd like to wait for his wife to get there before they give him the antivenom, and Foreman says they can't. You see, time is short once your leg starts to turn black. The farmer gets the drugs, and this time, he's allergic-reaction-free. House leaves the hospital room, only to run smack into the golfer -- still played by the middle-aged guy and not by Carmen Electra -- who says his leg hurts again.

"On average, drug addicts are stupid," House explains to the class as he dry-swallows some pills. StudentForeman says he'd call the cops at this point, but House doesn't agree. Even drug addicts can get sick, after all, and if your patient dies because you withheld treatment, you can kiss your medical license goodbye. House says there's another, faster way to weed out the actually sick druggies from the fakers: he likes to insert catheters into them without anesthesia, figuring that only someone who was in some serious real pain would be able to stand having a thick rubber tube shoved up his penis. House does not say whether this method applies to women as well.

House roots through the sick professor's desk, where he finds some pictures of the guy with his kids and a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug. The always-doubting StudentForeman says that if the guy were desperate enough for a fix, he'd deal with anything. House says it's much more likely that he'd just go to a different hospital where the staff didn't have a pre-existing relationship with him. House takes the mug and leaves the lecture hall, calling back that their volleyball player is not responding to the thyroid treatment. Way to go, Cammy. House fills the mug with water from a fountain and asks the class if they can still hear him. The three actors who were paid to speak say "no," "a little," and "not really," while the background extras are forced to remain mute.

The volleyball player complains that her arm really hurts, as Cameron tries to stick her with an IV needle. Cameron is very sympathetic and very ineffective. She reports back to others that their patient is now "very sensitive to touch," as opposed to Cameron, who is "very sensitive to anything that reminds her of her own numerous issues." The Cottages rattle off various possible diagnoses for the volleyball player until StudentCameron asks House to "slow down." He responds by spitting the gulp of water he just took back into the mug and making a sour face. We'll find out later that that was not a spit take at the incredible stupidity of medical students. You don't tell House to "slow down" because then he'll repeat himself with exaggerated slowness as if you were retarded.

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House

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