Three Stories

Episode Report Card
Sara M: A+ | 4 USERS: A+
Something For Everyone

House tells the farmer the bad news: "You're a few hours." Now, far be it from me, who havee never done any of this role-playing, to say what the best way to deliver news like that would be, but I really think you should just get it all out there and not pause in the middle like that and give the deliveree time to plan out the awesome "why the fuck not?" sky-diving trip he'll be taking in the next months before you continue with the "in a few hours" bit. The farmer says he needs to go home. House says he won't make it in this rush traffic. The farmer just wants to make sure his dog is taken care of.

Meanwhile, Cameron and Wilson check the volleyball player for adenomas until StudentForeman interrupts to point out how ridiculous it is that the farmer's first reaction was concern for his dog's future. I don't know if that's necessarily true; I worked with someone who had terminal brain cancer, and her dog's future after she was gone was definitely one of her primary concerns. I don't know if it was the first thing she thought of when she first got the bad news, though, and that's what's important here. House says that everybody lies. In the face of death, you find out what is important enough for them to lie about, even if it means their death.

We return to the farmer, who tells House that neither his neighbors nor the Humane Society are options to take care of his dog. House then realizes that the farmer wasn't bitten by a snake after all, but by his dog, which was already reported once for biting those neighbors, meaning that if the farmer told his doctors that he bit again, the dog would automatically be put down. So the farmer decided to leave out that part of the story, meaning he would die so that his pattern-of-unpredictable-vicious-behavior-having dog may live and probably maul some innocent children. How noble.

Chase and Foreman have been assigned to dog-mouth-swabbing-duty. For some reason I cannot fathom other than that this part of House's story isn't totally true, they didn't come prepared with anything but two rickety wood chairs to pin the proven vicious dog down while one of them swabs out his mouth, which is full of necrosis-causing bacteria. Why couldn't Cameron have been assigned this case?

House finishes his crayon masterpiece and holds it up for all the students to see. And there are, visibly, quite a few more students than there were originally. House's drawing is a red, yellow, and brown blob that matches the color of the druggie's pee. StudentCameron offers a differential diagnosis of kidney stones, and House shoves the drawing in her face to point out that he put brown in there for a reason: the urine has waste in it, meaning that his kidneys are shutting down, but more importantly, that the poor girl who works in the laboratory where the urine sample is sent to for testing is going to get a good whiff of it and immediately reassess her life and its direction, quit her job, and recap television shows. StudentCameron says that the kidney damage could be trauma-induced, from when the patient injected himself with Demerol. House asks what else, and she says an infection. House asks for more, and she thinks hard. "Come on, COME ON!" he suddenly snaps, making her jump. She has to admit that she doesn't know what else it could be. "You're useless," House says. I'm starting to think that House has a personal stake in this particular case. StudentForeman says that they can rule out the infection diagnosis because of a lab result, leaving them with the trauma diagnosis. The patient should apply heat to the area, and he'll be fine in a few days. House tells StudentForeman that he's useless and oblivious, making him worse than StudentCameron. He asks the class what they're missing, and StudentChase protests that it's a little hard to think when they're being yelled at. Idiot. House angrily points out that it won't be any easier when the guy yelling at them is their dying patient.

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