Top Secret

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C+ | 1 USERS: A+
Pissed Off

Foreman reports that he spoke with some of Sgt. John's family and friends, and that they all said Sgt. John hasn't had a date in over a year, which rules out STDs. Because no one has sex without a date first. With that, Foreman leaves so that Chase can be all hurt that Cameron was "so convincing" in her disgust at the thought of sleeping with Chase. "I'll make it up to you," she says, trying for "Seductive Vamp" but only reaching "coy schoolgirl who knows where your eraser is but won't tell you." Which is not sexy, by the way. Chase says that they can't keep having sex at work, since it's affecting patient care and kind of unprofessional. And most importantly, he doesn't want to get in trouble. Cameron says she doesn't, either, but Chase says that Cameron "didn't go out of [her] way to keep the volume down," like, TMI, Chase. "I couldn't help that," says Cameron. Oh puh-leeze. It's called self-control, something Cameron obviously lacks. Also, I demand to know why we don't immediately cut to some nurse talking about how the other night she was working next to the sleep lab and she could hear all manner of horrible screeching sounds coming through the wall. "Someone must have had one hell of a sleep disorder," she'd conclude. Instead, Chase says he thinks that Cameron is trying to get caught and make House jealous. "I'm over House," says Cameron. "All this is is uncomplicated sex. Don't try to make it more than that." Then don't do it at work, Cameron. Instead, she suggests that they grab lunch. I think she's trying to say that in a suggestive manner, but it just comes off that she wants a sandwich and maybe some chips.

And some woman with a huge water bottle is at the Clinic to get birth control. Because why see your gynecologist when you can go to a free clinic, right? She says that she and her boyfriend have been using condoms, but one is bound to break sooner or later "they way [they've] been doing it." "On a bed of nails?" House asks, probably genuinely curious. No, the woman says they've been doing it so often that the law of averages says something's going to go wrong sooner or later. She says this while moving the water bottle back and forth, the water sloshing loudly around the inside. It reminds House of his bladder, and he screams at her to stop. She doesn't walk right out of his office like I would have done, but simply stops moving the bottle around. House asks if she has any health problems, and she says nothing besides her OCD. Which House didn't even ask about, and isn't quite in the same category as blood clots and hypertension, but whatever. She says that her need to drink water all the time is the only symptom of her OCD, and that her therapist says it could be a lot worse. Maybe, but her therapist couldn't get much worse. It's not like the girl has to drink three sips of water and then tap on the right side of the bottle six times. That's OCD. This is not. House agrees, especially when the patient says she gets up in the middle of the night to drink water. "Unconscious people don't have OCD," he says. But they do have diabetes insipidus, characterized by being incredibly thirsty and peeing all the time. I guess that girl never read The Baby-Sitter's Club, or she'd totally know that peeing and being thirsty means you have diabetes like Stacy. Although while Stacy would go into a freaking coma if she had one M&M, this girl has a different kind. It's a hormone deficiency caused by a damaged pituitary gland, most likely, House says, from hitting her skull on a balance beam. The girl is amazed, but House says it was simple: she has a "nice ass, no boobs, and [she's] got palms like a longshoreman." Plus, he dreamt he was a gymnast whose head fell off last week. He schedules her for a CT scan and is so jealous of her ability to pee.

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