Top Secret

Episode Report Card
Sara M: C+ | 1 USERS: A+
Pissed Off

After the break, House has finally dragged out the Whiteboard O'Symptoms. Cameron says that Sgt. John has an infection, but House says that, if that were true, he'd be getting better everywhere, not have some parts getting better and some getting worse. Wilson says that it could be an infection and cancer, and House makes fun of him and says they have no proof that it's cancer between the lymph nodes that aren't swollen and the brain tumors that disappeared. Wilson fires back that at least he's not trying to figure out what's wrong with Sgt. John according to his favorite restaurants. Chase enters the room and announces that Sgt. John has uranium in his urine after all. He's super-proud of himself for thinking of the uranium stuff, but House pisses on this (only figuratively, ha ha ha!) and says they no longer think it's cancer, and therefore the uranium is no longer significant. There isn't enough uranium in Sgt. John's urine to have caused any of his symptoms. With that, House asks Wilson for his keys, saying he can't ride a motorcycle with a distended bladder. Wilson forks them over like a fool. I wouldn't let some guy who hadn't peed in three days anyway near my car. House tells them to keep giving Sgt. John the antibiotics and checking him to see if his paralysis has spread overnight. He's going to bed.

The Cottages stick pins in Sgt. John and ask if he feels them. They feel the need to ask him if he feels them by writing on a whiteboard, since he can't hear, although I'm pretty sure that if he could feel the needle jabbing into his flesh, he'd tell them without needing to be prompted. Sgt. John, and his crusty mouth, and his head newly-shorn for the brain surgery he never had, worry that he's dying. Chase writes "we're doing all we can" on the whiteboard, but Foreman says they really aren't, since they haven't treated Sgt. John for uranium toxicity. The Cottages argue over whether they should defy House's orders, their voices cutting in and out when we see them from Sgt. John's point of view like we're in one of those cell phone commercials. Foreman and Chase vote to give him the treatment.

House finally arrives home, which is more than I can say for Wilson, who's probably still waiting for the bus. He grabs a bag and heads for the bathroom. There, he drops trou, sits on the toilet, and takes a catheter out of the bag. You know, there are some things we don't need to see, show. Also, how is the sound of peeing too much for the Fox censors, but this is totally fine? I really think the sound of peeing, which all of us hear on a daily basis anyway, is much less vulgar than watching House shove a catheter up his deal. You can cut to commercial anytime now, show. But no, we have to watch House's face contort in pain, and then relief, and then watch as a ridiculously bright yellow liquid fills the catheter bag. House brings the catheter bag with him to bed, lays it down on the floor, and shuts his eyes.

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