In an episode told through flashbacks-within-flashbacks that make a pretty simple and uninteresting story seem much more exciting and mysterious, House ignores his lung-coughing-up patient because Cuddy is mad at him for being, basically, himself. To prove that he isn't selfish and that he does care about her, House steals Cuddy's laptop and hacks into it to read her private journal, where he finds out that she wants Rachel to get into Brye Park's preschool. He asks the Chairman of the Board to pull some strings to accomplish this, and the Chairman asks House for a favor in return: to speak at the fifth grade's career day. Because House is House, this all goes terribly wrong and House ends up sitting outside the principal's office getting relationship advice from two ridiculously precocious students. In the end, House's efforts may not get Rachel into Brye Park, but it does get him his sucker of a girlfriend back. And we all get to see just how far this show has sunk since Season One's "Three Stories."
We open on a school playground, where tragedy is no doubt about to befall an innocent child. A girl passes a note to a boy, Zack, who must be popular and cool because he's the quarterback of his recess football team and has silly Bieber hair. As the recess bell rings, Zack meets with another girl, Colleen, behind the school. She has a black eye of doom, and so will probably start vomiting blood soon. Zack asks what Colleen wanted to talk to him about. Colleen says she's "ready." If those kids are having sex, I am going to be upset. But no, it's much more innocent: her first kiss! Just as she's about to get it, they both get busted by the playground aide and sent to the principal's office. But they're not alone; there is another naughty little boy waiting on the bench outside the principal's office: House. He greets the children by wondering who put sand in the recess lady's vagina. And Cuddy leaves this man alone with her daughter.
Hey, remember in Season One when "Three Stories" blew our minds? Well, now it's Season Seven and this show doesn't know what it's doing anymore, so we get this episode, which tries so hard to recapture the show's magic but serves only to remind us of how much it has lost. Three days earlier, House and Foreman walk into a dorm room, much to the surprise of the two students who live there. Foreman looks around for toxins, while House asks the nerdier-looking roommate to help him hack into a computer. He explains that they are their sick roommate's doctors, and their roommate's seemingly simple case of bronchitis has caused him to cough up a lung. Literally. House, suddenly sporting an impressive gold watch so you know for sure that we're in fantasy land here, takes a sip of the nerdy guy's soda and then shoots the other roommate when the nerd protests.
He's about to shoot the nerd in the face when, suddenly, it's two hours earlier and House is in a classroom, telling children lies for as Brye Park Elementary School's Career Day speaker. Way to vet your guests there, supposedly exclusive private school. Doesn't House have, like, a criminal record or something? And a history of mental issues? His story has been interrupted by a student who says he knows House is lying because doctors don't carry guns, shoot people, or search people's homes (well... ), plus House just told them the plot of Pulp Fiction, which the child has seen because his parents are clearly idiots.
On the principal's office bench, we see that House is regaling the unfortunate couple with the story of the story, and Zack interrupts to ask if it was Timmy Morgan who called him out, knowing that Timmy is "totally obsessed with old movies." House says Pulp Fiction is not an old movie. Sadly, it was made before these kids were even born. Colleen and Zack demand to know what House did to get sent to the principal's office. House deflects by asking Colleen how she got the black eye. Zack says that's none of House's business, then decides to use House's curiosity against him and make a deal: they'll tell House how Colleen got the black eye if House tells them how a grown man who isn't even a student at their school can get sent to the principal's office.