House invites Cuddy out to lunch. Cuddy claims she's too busy with her administratorly things. House asks if they can just have sex, then, or perhaps a "small tossed salad." Ew. And the way he said it made that even creepier. Cuddy says she's on a diet "as of this morning." Looks like House blew it again! He follows Cuddy into her office and refuses to let her on her conference call until she tells him what her problem is. Cuddy slams the phone down on House's hand and lays into him, calling him "the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the face of the planet." House is shocked and speechless. Cuddy isn't. She says she's sick of him and they are over. In the classroom, the kids wonder when they'll hear about actual doctor stuff. House asks if there are any questions. There is one: the big kid in the back row, Alex, wants to know what a vibrator is. I'm pretty sure the Pulp Fiction kid knows the answer to that.
After the break, we're outside the principal's office again because Colleen wants to know why Cuddy was so mad at House. House says that doesn't matter, but Colleen, speaking like no child ever has or ever will, says that not only does it matter to House's story, but it's also the only thing that does matter. Ugh, really? I thought this show was about medical mysteries. But it looks like that's going to take a backseat to yet another fight between House and Cuddy over the same thing: the fact that he's an asshole and Cuddy somehow didn't know what she was getting into with him despite knowing him for like twenty-five years now. I wanted House and Cuddy to be together. I just didn't want it to take over the whole show.
Colleen thinks House doesn't kiss Cuddy enough. House defensively says he and Cuddy kiss "plenty" and now he'd like to know how she got that black eye. She refuses to say until he tells her what Cuddy's problem is. They glare at each other while Zack sits back and seems used to this kind of thing. House asks the secretary when the "Kommandant" will return from her very important assembly. "Shouldn't be much longer, sir," she replies, clearly hating House's guts under the thin layer of politeness. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the principal will be back to her office in forty minutes. House decides not to speak anymore. Colleen accuses him of being immature, while Zack finally admits that they're here because they got caught kissing behind the school. House says he wanted to know how Colleen got the black eye, not how they got in trouble. Colleen, meanwhile, wants everyone to know that she and Zack didn't actually kiss. House quickly accuses her of being a tease. She denies it, and House's eight-year-old self can't resist demanding that she prove it. The secretary looks up. House remembers where he is and who he's talking to and quickly adds that she can prove it by telling him her story. Because ordering two kids to kiss is wrong, but telling them about vibrators and talking about the recess lady's vagina is fine.