House

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Back to School Fail
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

We open on a school playground, where tragedy is no doubt about to befall an innocent child. A girl passes a note to a boy, Zack, who must be popular and cool because he's the quarterback of his recess football team and has silly Bieber hair. As the recess bell rings, Zack meets with another girl, Colleen, behind the school. She has a black eye of doom, and so will probably start vomiting blood soon. Zack asks what Colleen wanted to talk to him about. Colleen says she's "ready." If those kids are having sex, I am going to be upset. But no, it's much more innocent: her first kiss! Just as she's about to get it, they both get busted by the playground aide and sent to the principal's office. But they're not alone; there is another naughty little boy waiting on the bench outside the principal's office: House. He greets the children by wondering who put sand in the recess lady's vagina. And Cuddy leaves this man alone with her daughter.

Hey, remember in Season One when "Three Stories" blew our minds? Well, now it's Season Seven and this show doesn't know what it's doing anymore, so we get this episode, which tries so hard to recapture the show's magic but serves only to remind us of how much it has lost. Three days earlier, House and Foreman walk into a dorm room, much to the surprise of the two students who live there. Foreman looks around for toxins, while House asks the nerdier-looking roommate to help him hack into a computer. He explains that they are their sick roommate's doctors, and their roommate's seemingly simple case of bronchitis has caused him to cough up a lung. Literally. House, suddenly sporting an impressive gold watch so you know for sure that we're in fantasy land here, takes a sip of the nerdy guy's soda and then shoots the other roommate when the nerd protests.

He's about to shoot the nerd in the face when, suddenly, it's two hours earlier and House is in a classroom, telling children lies for as Brye Park Elementary School's Career Day speaker. Way to vet your guests there, supposedly exclusive private school. Doesn't House have, like, a criminal record or something? And a history of mental issues? His story has been interrupted by a student who says he knows House is lying because doctors don't carry guns, shoot people, or search people's homes (well... ), plus House just told them the plot of Pulp Fiction, which the child has seen because his parents are clearly idiots.

On the principal's office bench, we see that House is regaling the unfortunate couple with the story of the story, and Zack interrupts to ask if it was Timmy Morgan who called him out, knowing that Timmy is "totally obsessed with old movies." House says Pulp Fiction is not an old movie. Sadly, it was made before these kids were even born. Colleen and Zack demand to know what House did to get sent to the principal's office. House deflects by asking Colleen how she got the black eye. Zack says that's none of House's business, then decides to use House's curiosity against him and make a deal: they'll tell House how Colleen got the black eye if House tells them how a grown man who isn't even a student at their school can get sent to the principal's office.

Back in the classroom, House admits that he didn't shoot anyone; he just wanted to make his Career Day story more exciting. He says the part where they broke into a patient's home was actually true, and that they have to do this so that the patient doesn't try to hide anything from them and keep them from figuring out what's killing him. A little girl, Tiffany, asks why a patient would try to hide something from his doctors, especially if it could kill him. House explains that people are morons. The children are aghast to hear an adult talk this way. House continues that everybody lies, and some smart-mouth kid named Gabe says if everyone lies, then House must be lying right now. House says he didn't say everyone lies all the time and he'd like to sit down and be done with this now. The teacher, who is an idiot and can't quit when she's ahead, asks if "Dr. Hourani" could tell the kids what he actually does for a living first. Perhaps he could walk them through a "routine physical?" Well, this isn't going to go well at all.

Sure enough, House is examining a woman's nether regions, which she complains feel numb. House figures that after 12 years of marriage and 6 children, she's has to use a very powerful vibrator to get off. Aaaand then we're back in the classroom, as the teacher cuts House off like three minutes too late. House figures he's done for the day at this point, but this teacher is an idiot, so she once again asks House to walk the kids through a typical day at his job and some of the other patients he sees with more family-friendly ailments. House says he usually only sees one patient a day. The teacher finally gets the hint and says they'll hear from someone else, then. But now the kids want to know what House does the rest of the day when he isn't seeing his one patient, and he apparently can't resist telling them.

House invites Cuddy out to lunch. Cuddy claims she's too busy with her administratorly things. House asks if they can just have sex, then, or perhaps a "small tossed salad." Ew. And the way he said it made that even creepier. Cuddy says she's on a diet "as of this morning." Looks like House blew it again! He follows Cuddy into her office and refuses to let her on her conference call until she tells him what her problem is. Cuddy slams the phone down on House's hand and lays into him, calling him "the most selfish, self-centered son of a bitch on the face of the planet." House is shocked and speechless. Cuddy isn't. She says she's sick of him and they are over. In the classroom, the kids wonder when they'll hear about actual doctor stuff. House asks if there are any questions. There is one: the big kid in the back row, Alex, wants to know what a vibrator is. I'm pretty sure the Pulp Fiction kid knows the answer to that.

After the break, we're outside the principal's office again because Colleen wants to know why Cuddy was so mad at House. House says that doesn't matter, but Colleen, speaking like no child ever has or ever will, says that not only does it matter to House's story, but it's also the only thing that does matter. Ugh, really? I thought this show was about medical mysteries. But it looks like that's going to take a backseat to yet another fight between House and Cuddy over the same thing: the fact that he's an asshole and Cuddy somehow didn't know what she was getting into with him despite knowing him for like twenty-five years now. I wanted House and Cuddy to be together. I just didn't want it to take over the whole show.

Colleen thinks House doesn't kiss Cuddy enough. House defensively says he and Cuddy kiss "plenty" and now he'd like to know how she got that black eye. She refuses to say until he tells her what Cuddy's problem is. They glare at each other while Zack sits back and seems used to this kind of thing. House asks the secretary when the "Kommandant" will return from her very important assembly. "Shouldn't be much longer, sir," she replies, clearly hating House's guts under the thin layer of politeness. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say the principal will be back to her office in forty minutes. House decides not to speak anymore. Colleen accuses him of being immature, while Zack finally admits that they're here because they got caught kissing behind the school. House says he wanted to know how Colleen got the black eye, not how they got in trouble. Colleen, meanwhile, wants everyone to know that she and Zack didn't actually kiss. House quickly accuses her of being a tease. She denies it, and House's eight-year-old self can't resist demanding that she prove it. The secretary looks up. House remembers where he is and who he's talking to and quickly adds that she can prove it by telling him her story. Because ordering two kids to kiss is wrong, but telling them about vibrators and talking about the recess lady's vagina is fine.

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