House

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Back to School Fail

Night time. Taub backs his Hyundai (I guess he really is struggling for money these days) up to the doors of the parking garage, where Chase and House are waiting for him along with the Piano of Covert Activity. They unload some kind of massive weaponry from the trunk of the car and set it up aimed at Cuddy's office door. Timmy Morgan interrupts to say House stole this from Thunderbolt and Lightfoot. The kid really does know his classics -- that movie is from well before I was born. House says Timmy is right, and the true story is that he is suddenly leaning in the elevator, wearing a jogging suit, and smoking a cigar. "The Thomas Crown Affair," Timmy says immediately; "the Steve McQueen version." Tiffany demands to know the real story. The advertising guy wants a chance to tell the kids about his exciting job, too. Just to make him feel like shit, House says he can go right ahead, then smiles as the children cry out "no!" in horror and in unison.

The true story, then, is that the Clinic was abuzz with activity when a terrible smell permeated the air. So terrible, in fact, that a few people pass out. A nurse who I totally thought was Carla from Scrubs in some kind of awesome subjective memory cameo (it's not. I just can't tell non-white people apart, I guess) freaks out. Behind the corner with his nostrils blocked, House shouts that it smells like a gas leak. The Clinic patients and personnel get the hell out of there, except for the ones who are unconscious. In the classroom, all look to Timmy, but he can't think of a movie House is ripping off here. The humorless bitch lawyer disgustedly asks if House is really saying that he poisoned a bunch of sick people and their caregivers just to steal a laptop. House claims he actually just poured some hydrogen sulfide and ammonia on the floor to make it smell bad and clear the place out, but one guy held his breath and passed out like a moron, causing "a perfect storm of mass hysteria." I'm sorry, but that guy was holding his breath for all of three seconds before he passed out from lack of oxygen, and he was quickly followed by two other people that House didn't even mention. Also, Wikipedia tells me that hydrogen sulfide is "very poisonous." But no matter! House says the panic made it easy for him to sneak into Cuddy's office and get the laptop unnoticed.

Back in the principal's office, Colleen doesn't understand why all those other kids cared how House stole the laptop -- what's really important, she believes, is why he stole it. House says Colleen reminds him of someone, and while we're all expecting that someone to be Cuddy, it's actually Wilson, who says basically the same thing when House reports to his office for Wilson's three seconds of screen time. House says he didn't steal the laptop to find out why Cuddy is mad at him, because he apparently knows the answer to this. What he doesn't know is how to make her "un-mad." He hopes that reading Cuddy's secret journal, which she stupidly keeps on her computer like she's Doogie Howser or something, will give him a few clues. Wilson wants to know why Cuddy is mad at House. House won't tell him any specifics, simply saying that he was just being himself, which he thought Cuddy was supposed to be in love with. Because, you know, she said she was. And that he shouldn't change. Remember that? Apparently, Cuddy doesn't.

Wilson tries to help House out by suggesting that Cuddy may have used one of her childhood pets' names as her password. That doesn't help House, though, as he has no idea what any of Cuddy's pets were named because he never listens when Cuddy talks about that stuff. Because I honestly can't figure out why House is even with Cuddy other than the sex. He really doesn't seem that interested in doing anything with her beyond that. Of course, Wilson does pay attention to other people, so he tells House that Cuddy had a dog named Ronaldo. As House types that into the computer, Foreman enters and says they have a new case: a college student with bronchitis that isn't bronchitis. House snaps at him to take care of the patient himself because he's busy. Foreman's feelings are totally hurt. Tiffany interrupts to accuse House of lying, saying no doctor would turn his back on a dying patient for such a selfish reason. House shrugs that he doesn't really care about a dying patient who isn't "interesting."

In the principal's office, Colleen is losing her patience. We're more than halfway into the show and House still hasn't answered any of her questions. House says Cuddy is mad at him because she's genetically programmed to make a big deal out of little things, i.e. because she's female. And now that he said that, he expects Colleen to be mad at him for the same reason. Zack speaks up and says she isn't like that. House is delighted to take the attention off himself and cause trouble at the same time, and says Zack shouldn't stick up for someone who called him a pathetic jerk. Zack shrugs that that was a long time ago and Colleen didn't mean it anyway. Colleen says it was only two days ago and he doesn't know if she meant it or not. Zack says he does, because he knows how she thinks. Colleen and House scoff at this. Clearly, the only person who knows how Colleen thinks is House, because he just played her and Zack like violins.

Cut to Zack and Colleen facing off against each other in a game of Double Dutch. They're surrounded by children watching and cheering because apparently there is nothing better to do at recess at this school. Suddenly, Colleen trips up on the rope, giving Zack the win. His prize is that she kisses him on the lips. House says the fact that Zack had to win a bet to get Colleen to kiss him shows that he really doesn't know how she thinks. It also shows that whoever wrote this episode hasn't been a child in a long time -- when it comes to elementary school-aged children and kissing, it's the girl who always has to trick/bet/force the boy to kiss her, as he still believes that girls are gross. Zack explains that by losing the bet, Colleen could kiss him, which she wanted to do, while still acting like she didn't want to do it and thus saving face with her friends. Colleen denies Zack's reasoning, saying she only made the bet with Zack in the first place because she really didn't think she'd lose. And with that, she again nags House to tell them why Cuddy is mad at him. "It's stupid," House mutters. "Talk," Colleen demands. I don't know why he's taking orders from her; she can't even beat a boy at Double Dutch.

Cuddy unrolls a yoga mat. House walks in, putting his shoes on, and says he's leaving for work unless Cuddy wants to have sex with him or something. Again, all House is ever interested in when it comes to Cuddy is sex. He's shown more interest in the day-to-day activities of Cuddy's child than in Cuddy. Speaking of the child, Cuddy uses her as an excuse for why she can't have sex with House, saying she wants to get her yoga in before she wakes up. She asks House to take the garbage out on his way out, but he claims his leg is bothering him. He gives Cuddy a big kiss and leaves. Cuddy rolls her eyes and starts doing some deep breathing, only for the child to wake up and call for her. Cuddy carries Rachel to the bathroom, where she finds the toilet seat has been left up. Um... didn't House live with Stacy Frozenface for like five years? Surely he knows better. And he left the sink a gross, manly mess of toothpaste and beard hair, topped off with Cuddy's toothbrush, which he helped himself to.

The children are appalled, both because using someone else's toothbrush is gross and because House clearly doesn't listen to his girlfriend. House insists that he does listen to Cuddy. A lot. Case in point: she's calmly talking to House about why it bothers her when he uses her toothbrush when he retorts that maybe Cuddy and her four cavities shouldn't judge House's brushing habits, since he doesn't have any cavities. Plus, he's sure she'd rather that he brushed his teeth and flossed before dinner and after, I'm assuming he's hinting at, oral sex. She says he cou

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House

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