House

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Sara M: C- | Grade It Now!
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Back to School Fail
ld just use the toothbrush she bought him. "Would you please just shut up and watch the movie?" he asks. Yeah, I can't imagine why she's so mad at him. Zack asks why House is so insistent on brushing his teeth before dinner. "You don't want to know. Yet," House says. He had no problem talking about sand in people's vaginas in front of these kids, but now he draws the line? Okay. "You're gross and dumb," Colleen says. Colleen is not dumb, though, as she's figured out that House only listens to what Cuddy says so he can use it to tell her she's wrong about something. House says if he doesn't tell her she's wrong, no one else will. She's the boss, so her day is spent surrounded by people who want to make her happy and kiss her ass. Clearly, House did not watch that episode all about Cuddy's day, where everyone from the insurance guy to the pharmacy tech treated her like crap. House says he respects Cuddy "enough" not to be nice to her. Zack says he likes House's line of thinking, as he believes he used it when he gave Colleen her black eye. House is shocked and possibly admiring, asking Zack if he punched her in the face. Zack answers with a flashback.

The kids are playing indoor hockey in gym class. Zack gets a shot on goal, tended by Colleen. She smiles flirtatiously at him. He smiles back and then fires the puck right at her face. There's no gym teacher in sight. "You're a moron," House says, ending the flashback. Not, House says, for trying to score a goal on his girlfriend, but for shooting so high when everyone knows the low corners are your best chance to make a goal in indoor hockey. Unlike Zack, Colleen will not be distracted. She says House owes them more details about the laptop.

The real Dr. Hourani enters his office and finds House sitting there on Cuddy's laptop. He is not pleased, as he, like everyone else who works at PPTH except Cuddy, hates House. House says he's hiding from Cuddy and knows she won't look for him here. Hourani's anger subsides slightly when he sees that House is looking at Cuddy's journal on the laptop, but House doesn't let him read it. He takes the laptop away, complimenting Hourani on his beautiful wife on his way out in the creepiest manner possible. Hourani smiles and looks at the nice family photo on his desk before panicking and looking for another, not-so-family-friendly photo of his wife stored in his desk drawer. It isn't there, because House stuck it on the elevator door.

Back in the classroom, Alex stops House's story to ask why he's talking about breaking into Dr. Hourani's office and finding sexy photos of his wife when they all thought House was Dr. Hourani. House has the entire commercial break to try to think of an explanation.

In the principal's office, House gets a call from Foreman. Hey, remember that patient? Well, he's still dying and the tests for sarcoidosis came back negative. The patient's only remaining lung is collapsing. House orders Foreman to start him on treatment for sarcoidosis anyway and hangs up. He turns to the kids and explains that sarcoidosis is a diagnosis of exclusion, which means that most of the time, it takes doctors a long time to get to it and by then the patient is usually dead or about to be. The kids don't care about that, of course. Zack wants to know why House lied about his last name while Colleen wants to know what House found in Cuddy's journal. I don't buy that ten-year-olds would really give a shit about any of this, but whatever. House says they've proven his point: not all cases are interesting, even if the patient is dying. Perhaps, but I'm much more curious about what's wrong with the patient than I am about any of the other stuff. Zack insists that House must have done something worse than use Cuddy's toothbrush or refuse to take out the garbage for her to be so mad at him, but House claims that's exactly what it was.

House is on Cuddy's doorstep, but she won't let him in. She says she needs "some time alone." House says it's "insane" of her to act like this because of a toothbrush and the garbage, but Cuddy says it's not just that, of course -- it's the fact that House does whatever he wants all the time and he's always right. House doesn't understand the problem. "Do you want me to be wrong?" he asks. Cuddy says she wants him to care about more than just what he wants and what he thinks. Well, if she wanted that, she shouldn't have dated House. This is Cuddy's fault, really. She says House may love her, but he doesn't care about her. "And I deserve someone who does," she concludes. Yeah, well, you were engaged to him like a year ago and you dumped him for House.

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House

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