House

Episode Report Card
Sara M: B+ | 2 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Ugly Girls Need Not Apply

Oh, crap. My cable's on the fritz again. Just because I haven't paid the bill in three months they think they can just -- oh, wait a minute. The black and white seems to be intentional. My bad! Anyway, we're at a train station. A little (but not little enough to be excused) girl rudely screams in the face of a man with a large tumor-looking thing protruding from his forehead. It could be worse: she could have made a television episode about him and named it "Ugly." An older man runs up and tells the girl to go away. Her father whisks her away, hopefully to a much-needed lesson on manners, and we see that the black and white is actually what we're seeing from a camera's POV as we're watching a documentary about the deformed guy being filmed. The older man is his father, and he's very protective of his deformed son, saying he wants to beat up the little girl's father (why not the little girl? She's the one who was screaming). The son says he doesn't care, since, in twenty-four hours, he'll be having surgery to take his deformity off. And then we cut to a shot of Kenny the son and his dad walking through some area of the train station that looks like a stadium entrance in slow motion while triumphant rock music plays. Um...win one for the Gipper?

As Kenny lies on the operating table and the doctors prep, the documentary crew gets the most photogenic doctor on staff to talk about Kenny's surgery. Chase says Kenny has a "fronto-nasal encephalocele," which will require a very detailed procedure to get rid of. The documentary producer prefers sound bites over medical jargon and asks Chase to say Kenny will be set to go to junior prom. Before he can, Kenny goes into V-fib for no apparent reason. Chase grabs the paddles (we don't see a little sign on them with Kumar's picture and the words "HE DOESN'T GET TO USE THESE -- EVER!" on it, but I'm sure it's there) and zaps Kenny while yelling at the nosy camera crew to turn the camera off. It's all fun and glory on the Discovery Health channel until the patient dies.

After the credits, the camera is still rolling, and Cuddy and Chase play nice for it, with Cuddy explaining Kenny's unexplained cardiac arrest as Chase nods solemnly. House, on the other hand, stares directly into the camera and greets the news of a teenager's heart stopping with a "Good." Cuddy's reply, an equally shocked and annoyed whisper of "'Good'?" is pretty much perfect, as is Chase's briefly seen eye bulge, also in equal parts shock and annoyance. "Go on," House asks. Chase exposits for both the docu crew and us that they've got Kenny on a pacing wire to keep his heart going, and they can't do the surgery until they figure out what's wrong. With that, Chase pretty much runs out of the room, and House takes the file from Cuddy, saying he will see them again after he's saved Kenny's life. "Have a warm bath waiting," he tells Cuddy, flashing the camera his very suavest and cheekiest grin. His triumphant exit is interrupted, however, when he notes that the camera crew is following him. Cuddy tells him (she couldn't have told him before? Really?) that they'll be trailing him as he works on Kenny's case. House expresses his annoyance by making fun of the producer and lying, claiming he became a doctor because of the movie Patch Adams. As most of us know, applications to both medical school and clown college went down after that movie was released. I just made that fact up, but if they didn't, they should have. Then House tricks the crew into leaving the room so he can close the door in their face and talk to Cuddy alone.

Cuddy says she's no happier that the camera crew is trailing House than he is, as it's going to make her hospital look like the unprofessional horror show it truly is. I mean, they've got a guy trained in emergency and diagnostic medicine doing a delicate and complicated specialized surgery, for one. House makes a fat joke at Cuddy's expense, which leads me to believe that whoever wrote that line has never seen so much as a picture of Lisa Edelstein before. Why not have her spit back a biting remark about House's perfectly healthy right thigh muscle while they're at it? Cuddy optimistically, if extremely naively, says she's hoping House will realize that this will be good PR for PPTH. House says people act when they're in front of cameras. He doesn't want his team to act. Cuddy says the documentary is covering Kenny's medical costs (that's going to be the most expensive documentary ever shot, then), so either House plays nice and accepts the camera crew or Kenny doesn't get a new face. Does she really think that House cares about Kenny's face?

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House

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