House

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Personal Jesus
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

It's after hours at the soup kitchen, and a scruffy man named Danny cleans up. He answers a knock at the door to reveal a homeless man and some CGI cold air breath. The man asks to borrow a coat, and Danny points out that he's already wearing one. The man has to explain that it's freezing outside and he'd like something a little bit warmer so he doesn't die. Danny sighs in annoyance and finds the guy a sweatshirt. That's not exactly warm, but the man is only upset about the fact that it has the Rangers logo on it, and that is not a very popular team in New Jersey. Danny just glares at him, so the man claims he's kidding. Danny doesn't laugh. He just says good-night and closes up shop. He heads into his dingy apartment for some music by Doves, a cigarette, and a few shots before unzipping his own shirt to reveal a priest's collar, which he then removes as soon as possible. He drinks some more before he's interrupted by another knock at the door. This time it's someone wearing much less clothing. He looks a lot like Jesus, crown of thorns, stigmata, and all. "That's not funny, freak," Father Danny immediately says. "No one is laughing, Daniel," Jesus says; "now do you think I could borrow a coat? I'm freezing out here with just this strategically-placed sheet to wear." Danny looks down to see that Jesus is actually floating in mid-air.

House arrives at work to find Cuddy waiting for him as usual. She asks if he has plans for Friday. He sure does, and they involve not one, but two prostitutes. Cuddy says that's too bad, because she was hoping he'd be free to attend Rachel's simchat bat, which House immediately knows is the Jewish baby-naming ceremony. If Rachel were a boy, this would be followed by a circumcision. Lucky Rachel. House thinks Cuddy's sudden interest in her religion's customs is hypocritical and declines the offer, even though Cuddy tries to sweeten the pot by saying it'll include free alcohol and "lots of nice people you can quietly mock."

Instead, House heads to the ER and starts looking through patient files. Cameron's House-detection alarm goes off, so she runs up to see him. Did she just say she runs the ER? Does she really? How is this even possible? Surely there were plenty of other, older, vastly more experienced and capable doctors working there who should have been offered the position first? Or is Cameron the only doctor in the entire ER like Wilson is the only oncologist? House finds a file he likes and asks to meet the patient it belongs to. "He's a drunk priest who hallucinated Jesus," Cameron says loudly even though Danny is lying like ten feet away from her. She thinks it's a clear-cut case of either alcohol or exhaustion, and certainly nothing up to House's picky standards. So he must be taking this case to try to screw someone over. Cameron allows him to do just that because she has a whole ER to run and no doctor co-workers to help out.

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House

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