Taub sticks a giant needle into the baby's liver to get some infection material to test, but a black fluid fills the syringe instead of the pus he and Foreman were expecting. Abbey asks what that is, and Foreman tells her it's not an infection after all, but skin cancer. Which can apparently be inside your liver. And full of black goo. Abbey is understandably confused as to how her baby could have skin cancer without ever having been in the sun. "You have," Taub says. Yes, Abbey is the one with skin cancer, and she gave it to her daughter while she was in utero. Great, that's another thing for Justine to be jealous of.
After the break, Taub exposits that he found the cancerous mole under one of Abbey's fingernails. Oh, and now Cheng gets to sit at the meeting room table, which is covered in everyone's food orders. Except for House's, as no one got him anything. House says if Abbey has melanoma, then "that's it." Cheng says that's not exactly right, since Abbey can kind of die and stuff. "Boring," House says. What he does find interesting is the fact that for the cancer to spread to the baby in utero, it would have to be metastasic and late-stage, but Abbey doesn't appear sick at all. Foreman says whatever it is in Abbey's blood that's treating her baby, it must be treating her, too. Her immune system is fighting something else, thus creating cancer-fighting antibodies. Foreman, Chase, and Cheng come up with a few suggestions. House sends Taub off to test Abbey for an autoimmune disease, hoping he'll leave his dinner behind for House to eat. He does not.
Taub draws blood from Abbey, who is kind of upset to know that she gave her baby cancer, as you would be. She says she took such good care of herself while she was pregnant, and even hired a private detective to research her sperm donors. I wonder if she hired Lucas? Justine asks what will happen if her mother has something other than an autoimmune disease, as Justine has clearly seen this show before. Taub says they'll cross that bridge when they come to it, around the 51 minute mark. He leaves, and Justine apologizes to her mother for being a jealous brat out of nowhere before. "You were a great mom. You are a great mom," she says. "I don't deserve such a good daughter," Abbey says. Huh? What makes Justine a great daughter? She wouldn't even film her mother's vagina.
Taub and Cheng head to the lab to test Abbey's blood for various autoimmune disorders. Cheng reveals that House told her he was fine with hiring her, but that it was ultimately Taub's decision. "He's just saying that to set me up," Taub says. He doesn't want to offer Cheng the job if House says he's okay with it, because he knows it will only blow up in his face. "It's not lupus," Cheng says. Does she even need to get hired now? By saying it's not lupus, I'm pretty sure she's automatically a Cottage. Taub says he has to figure out what House's ulterior motive is before he hires Cheng. Cheng just shrugs and says she's at the end of the autoimmune disease tests and they're all negative. They'll have to scan Abbey for a granuloma-causing infection next.
Wilson is stuck in Cuddy's house with Rachel, who, despite pooping a lot, still hasn't come up with the dime. Wilson is digging through Rachel's poop-filled diaper with a pencil, by the way. Gross. House says that means it's time to violate Rachel's anus, and hangs up on Wilson while he collects supplies to do so from PPTH. Good thing PPTH security sucks so much that they'll just let House walk out of there with all kinds of expensive medical equipment.
Abbey is sent into the MRI (OF DOOOM!!). Taub and Foreman look at her insides while discussing Cheng and whether or not Taub should hire her. Foreman thinks he should just go ahead and do it, and whatever House might be planning can't possibly be that bad. Plus, he says, House is more interested in Cheng than he ever was in Chase or Foreman's picks, so it might work out. With that, Taub finds something in Abbey's lungs: another cancer. Wow, what a sucky coincidence. If you count Justine, that's three cancers Abbey is afflicted with.
Foreman and Taub explain to Abbey that she has two different cancers, and the lung cancer is making her body create antibodies that are actually "treating" the skin cancer, thus explaining her lack of symptoms and why her blood helped her baby. Taub says they found the lung cancer early enough to treat it (and, apparently, early enough that it didn't spread to the baby like that skin cancer did), so she should be fine after a round of chemo and surgery. As for the baby, who we now know is named Kayla, she'll need chemo for the skin cancer. They won't be able to give her any more of Abbey's blood because once the lung cancer tumor is cut out, her immune system will no longer create the antibodies that fought the skin cancer.
Abbey asks if she can just wait to have the surgery after Kayla is better. Foreman says it would take eight or nine days for Abbey's blood to shrink the liver tumors that the skin cancer somehow created, and it's best not to wait that long because of the risk of the cancer spreading or clots forming in her cancer-thickened blood. If her blood is dangerously thick enough to make clots, why didn't they notice that when they tested her blood for everything under the sun? And why is it a good idea to keep pumping that blood into Kayla? Abbey says she'd rather risk herself than give her newborn chemo. Yeah, because I'm sure Kayla's development hasn't already been stunted by all the other health stuff she's gone through.
Justine pipes up to say to hell with Kayla; she doesn't want anything to happen to her mother. "I want what's best for my daughter," Abbey says. "I'm your daughter, too," Justine says. Ugh, are we back to that again? "She's a baby. You're an adult," Abbey points out. Justine says that doesn't mean she doesn't "need" her mother anymore. Well, it kind of does. I mean, you always need your mother. But not as much as a newborn baby does. "You never did. 'Cause I wasn't there for you," Abbey says, throwing Justine's earlier words back in her face. Good. "You turned out great," Abbey shrugs. Justine says Abbey has no idea whether or not she's great because she doesn't know her "at all." Neither do I, and, like Abbey, I don't care. "I'm not gonna let you martyr yourself for a two-day-old infant just because you feel guilty because you weren't around for me," Justine says. Hey, Justine? It's not about you. Abbey is doing this because she cares more about her daughter's life than her own, not because she cares more about Kayla's life than yours. Plus, it's only nine days.