House and Cuddy are making a quick stop at a big stone pile of a mansion before their 8:00 dinner reservations. "We need to pick something up from a haunted house?" Cuddy asks. House corrects her that it's "A Gothic revival masterpiece" and hopes to live in one like it someday. Because we have to start hammering the theme of how they have nothing in common in their first five seconds onscreen together. Once inside Alice's study -- because of course it's her house -- House makes out like he was asked to read a friend's manuscript. But that story doesn't hold up long, because Cuddy notices the name Alice Tanner on the shelves and wonders why it sounds familiar. House claims he gave Cuddy some of Alice's books years ago, but that's not it; Cuddy recognizes Alice Tanner's name as that of House's patient. "Did you steal her keys?" she asks in annoyance. Offended, House asks, "Think I'd take the dean of medicine on a B&E?" Just then Christina the maid rushes in with a baseball bat, demanding, "How did you get in here?" House tells Cuddy, "Well, I guess you have your answer." Yeah, I think we would have had it even if Christina had welcomed them with hors d'oeuvres.

Back at the hospital, Taub and Foreman are trying to examine Alice, but she's not making it easy on them. Pretty much the only new information she does give them is that "I had the damn seizure before I could get the gun in my mouth." Foreman asks why, and she sarcastically calls him out on his wanting her to open up so they can save her (wrong show, lady), and then demands a woman doctor. Well, unfortunately the one they had disappeared, so tough shit. She tells them to get out, but Foreman says they have to watch her overnight. For seizures, that is, not further suicide attempts. Foreman points to the observation room where he and Taub will be watching her, and she agrees, "Whatever it takes to get you out of here." I think they're probably feeling the same way.

Back at her home, Cuddy tells House that she's talked Christina out of calling the police. "She's probably illegal," House says charmingly. "Same reason she didn't report the suicide attempt." Christina says that Alice threatened to fire her if she said anything about the gun. "If she whacks herself, what happens to your job?" House wonders. Rather than attempting an answer for that, Christina delves into Alice's character, how she's all depressed and never goes out. House tells Christina he needs to see the new manuscript, acting all businesslike about it so Christina will think it's for medical reasons. Even though it works, Christina can only point House to the locked safe with the book inside. Cuddy asks about any physical pain Alice might be suffering. All Christina can offer is that Alice's back and hands hurt a lot. House correctly says, "A writer with back and hand pain. Very helpful. Let's go." He's got a point, but a lot of the writers I know also have to contend with DVR remotes whose batteries have to be changed a lot, which I guess wouldn't really apply to Alice the luddite author. Christina's not done yammering, though, but suddenly House isn't done snooping, either; he's decided to confiscate Alice's typewriter ribbon. While doing so, he happens to glance into Alice's trashcan and pull out an empty tuna container, which according to Christina, Alice eats two or three of per day. Ding ding ding! It's mercury poisoning! This show is easy!