House
Unwritten

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that story doesn't hold up long, because Cuddy notices the name Alice Tanner on the shelves and wonders why it sounds familiar. House claims he gave Cuddy some of Alice's books years ago, but that's not it; Cuddy recognizes Alice Tanner's name as that of House's patient. "Did you steal her keys?" she asks in annoyance. Offended, House asks, "Think I'd take the dean of medicine on a B&E?" Just then Christina the maid rushes in with a baseball bat, demanding, "How did you get in here?" House tells Cuddy, "Well, I guess you have your answer." Yeah, I think we would have had it even if Christina had welcomed them with hors d'oeuvres.

Back at the hospital, Taub and Foreman are trying to examine Alice, but she's not making it easy on them. Pretty much the only new information she does give them is that "I had the damn seizure before I could get the gun in my mouth." Foreman asks why, and she sarcastically calls him out on his wanting her to open up so they can save her (wrong show, lady), and then demands a woman doctor. Well, unfortunately the one they had disappeared, so tough shit. She tells them to get out, but Foreman says they have to watch her overnight. For seizures, that is, not further suicide attempts. Foreman points to the observation room where he and Taub will be watching her, and she agrees, "Whatever it takes to get you out of here." I think they're probably feeling the same way.

Back at her home, Cuddy tells House that she's talked Christina out of calling the police. "She's probably illegal," House says charmingly. "Same reason she didn't report the suicide attempt." Christina says that Alice threatened to fire her if she said anything about the gun. "If she whacks herself, what happens to your job?" House wonders. Rather than attempting an answer for that, Christina delves into Alice's character, how she's all depressed and never goes out. House tells Christina he needs to see the new manuscript, acting all businesslike about it so Christina will think it's for medical reasons. Even though it works, Christina can only point House to the locked safe with the book inside. Cuddy asks about any physical pain Alice might be suffering. All Christina can offer is that Alice's back and hands hurt a lot. House correctly says, "A writer with back and hand pain. Very helpful. Let's go." He's got a point, but a lot of the writers I know also have to contend with DVR remotes whose batteries have to be changed a lot, which I guess wouldn't really apply to Alice the luddite author. Christina's not done yammering, though, but suddenly House isn't done snooping, either; he's decided to confiscate Alice's typewriter ribbon. While doing so, he happens to glance into Alice's trashcan and pull out an empty tuna container, which according to Christina, Alice eats two or three of per day. Ding ding ding! It's mercury poisoning! This show is easy!

Back at the hospital, Alice is asleep -- and so is Taub. Foreman tries to wake him up for his turn, but House banging on the window with his cane does a better job of it. While Foreman nervously blathers at House and says Alice is fine, House theatrically rolls the bed around and yanks down the blankets when she wakes up. "You wet the bed," he informs her. "Just not sure how yet." Well, it's a good thing we know about it, then.

Next morning, Chase breezes into the meeting room to join Forman and Taub, and he's wearing the same shirt and tie as last night. He has shed the sweater vest, however, because that would have clashed with his shit-eating grin. "If it's any consolation, I didn't get any sleep either," he smugs at them. It does not, for the record, appear to be any consolation. "Unilateral hyperhidrosis?" he reads from Alice's chart. "Interesting." Not really. Although if the show is going to accuse a character of wetting the bed in layman's terms, it should probably do the same when clarifying that the soaked linens were actually caused by excessive sweating on one side of the body. Foreman updates Chase on Alice's tuna intake, and Chase catches up with me on my mercury poisoning theory. As House enters, he says it explains the seizures, pain and depression. Cool! Now we can spend the rest of the episode exploring House and Cuddy's relationship. Oh, wait -- shit. Foreman comes to our rescue by pointing out that the only trouble with the mercury poisoning theory is that Alice's mercury levels are normal. Chase suggests further testing, but Taub and Foreman remind everyone that they can't do that because Alice asked for a female doctor. Foreman complains about that being a blatant attempt to run out the clock on her psych hold. "Put some lipstick on Chase and start chelation therapy," House orders. Nobody points out that Chase is probably already wearing lipstick, just not where we can see it. Off their blank looks, he agrees, "Okay, I'll go talk to Cuddy. Maybe she'll let us borrow a dress, too."

House walks into Cuddy's office without knocking and does a shitty job of waiting out her studious ignorance of him. She snaps, "Whatever happened to keeping our professional and personal lives separate?" "I'm not the one talking about our relationship at work," House says. Rather than pointing out the obvious hole in that argument, because she knows damn well it'll turn out to be a rabbit hole, Cuddy asks what he's holding behind his back. Her presents her with the "peace penguin." "What room should I return it to?" she asks, and he immediately says 243, so at least he cared enough to remember. House tells her that Alice Tanner wants a vagina. Actually, House, I think she wanted a whole doctor. "I'm pretty attached to mine," Cuddy says, not that you'd know that by who she provides with access to it. She reminds him that he was supposed to hire a temporary replacement for Hadley two weeks ago. "I've been busy," he says. "Doing what?" she demands. "You," he answers. Sure, he already used a variant of that joke once this episode, but that was with Wilson. Might as well get as much mileage out of it as he can. She agrees to help with Alice if he hires a new female doctor by next week. "You think we just sit around talking sports and belching and farting when the chicks aren't around?" House asks before agreeing. That was a pretty good belch he threw in there, but I'm glad that's as far as it went. I hate sports talk.

Alice now has two other women in her room: Cuddy and Christina, with the latter puttering around uselessly while Cuddy explains about the mercury poisoning theory and how they need more tests to prove it. Cuddy also tries to talk Alice out of ditching House's team, but Alice is more interested in the perfume Cuddy's wearing, a gift from House. Which must be why Alice smelled it on House last night, and which is still on Christina's cardigan. "Something you'd like to tell me, dear?" she asks her maid coldly. Yeah, and Cuddy too? Oh, wait, last night at Alice's house we saw Cuddy with her arm around Christina and her one cardigan, so that explains the smell transfer. Especially if, as I suspect, House mixed the perfume himself in his sink using animal pheromones and musk. Christina, knowing she's in trouble with her boss, says she just doesn't want to see Alice suffer any more. So Alice obligingly fires her. Cuddy rather heatedly comes to Christina's defense, so Alice tells her, "Send the men back. At least they're not a bunch of dewy-eyed crybabies." Has anyone remembered to add "acts like an asshole" to Alice's list of symptoms? Or do they all just spend so much time around House that it seems normal?

Wilson's in House's office, telling him to stop wasting his time trying to recover the novel off the typewriter ribbon. "It can't be done," he says. "And people wonder why you've never cured cancer," House snarks. No, I think Wilson would have to spend some time actually working for that to happen. Wilson asks if he got the ribbon before or after his date with Cuddy, and House thoughtfully concedes, "Probably would have been a wiser choice," leaving unspoken the key words, "than during." Wilson skips straight to the bright side, remarking that it's a good

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