Episode Report Card
Sara M: B | Grade It Now!

In the meeting room, the Cottages' tests have yielded no results. Ha! They all failed and totally suck at being doctors. Chase somehow managed to do a blood culture in a few hours even though the test usually takes a few days. House tacked a hepatitis test onto Chase's bloodwork and, lo and behold, it came back positive for hepatitis A, symptoms of which include vomiting, itchy feet, and a sudden distaste for nicotine. Which, by the way, means that House knew all along that Jack didn't need some of the tests the Cottages did on him, and that he let Cameron yell at Jack unnecessarily. Lest we forget that even when House is pretending to be nice, he's still an asshole. Foreman says that Hep A doesn't explain the heart attack, but House says that Chase was right about one thing: the vomiting caused an electrolyte imbalance, which then caused Jack's heart attack. And that's why you should always drink Gatorade after a night of drinking.

Wilson the Downer sulks into the meeting room and informs the group that his prescription privileges have been revoked. House's first concern? "Who's gonna prescribe my Vicodin?" Ha ha ha! No one cares about Wilson! And he just takes it! Ha ha ha! The Cottages sit back and observe, secretly hoping for the work drama of a fight as House tells Wilson to relax: this just means that Shitter is desperate and hoping he can squeeze Wilson into confessing. Wilson is not willing to let his patient suffer, even though House points out that most cancer medicine "sucks." Unlike, say, the medicine House uses, which has been known to contain arsenic and MELT PLASTIC. Wilson demands that House make his team available to write Wilson's patients' prescriptions until Wilson gets his privileges back. House tells the kids to put Jack on IVIg for the hepatitis.

Jack reads a story to Will while Kama pretends to be too grown up for it. Will is super-cute, by the way. The fact that I really liked Jack, Will, and Kama made this episode much more enjoyable for me. Good job, casting! Foreman walks in and says that the IVIg cleared the Jack's system of Hep A; he can be released tomorrow. Smiles all around. Jack asks Foreman how he got Hep A, and Foreman says that it could have been from food, cleaning the toilets at work, or...he looks around at the young'uns, and Jack says that they've "heard it all." "Anilingus," Foreman finishes. Well, I bet they haven't heard that one! Hell, I hadn't even heard that term before. I guess I always knew that it must exist, since "tossing one's salad" is definitely not a medical term. Jack says that he's been too busy raising children to go "spelunking," like that even takes all that much time. So I've heard. Suddenly, Jack bleeds out of every orifice.

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