Ted has an architectural dilemma this week, when he meets a pretty girl outside the building Goliath National Bank is going to tear down for him to build their new headquarters. See, she wants to save the Arcadian, so -- since this is Ted -- he signs the petition and joins right in with her crazy anarchy. Meanwhile, Barney and the folks at Goliath are trying to get people to stop caring about the building by planting snakes. Ted has the pretty girl convinced right up until Barney has a billboard made with Ted's picture proudly displayed as the architect. Pretty girl is out. So Ted stays up all night and redesigns the headquarters, using the original façade of the Arcadian. But when he shows her, he also sees her wedding ring and it's off: He's back to making a fancy new building and trying to find our mother.
The rest of the characters spend the episode obsessed with penises, sex and boobs, which ends up being pretty funny. Robin's new boyfriend, Max, has a small penis, it turns out, which is a horrifying thing for Marshall to learn (and obsess) about. He can't stop thinking about it, and wonders why girls talk about everything. Then he learns Lily also talks in detail to Robin about their sex life. He finds himself unable to perform. And it turns out Barney's first response when hearing about a girl is always, "Boobs?" Not, "How big are her boobs?" Just, "Boobs?" He does it all episode, and it never stops being funny.
Saget!Ted reminds his kids (us) that he was designing the world headquarters for Goliath National Bank in the fall of 2010, which meant working with Barney. That's this show's version of a "previously on." Cut to Ted and Barney working together, and Barney says, "Working together is going to be legen- wait for it." But he'll tell him the rest in an inner-office memo because they work together. High fives! Then Barney tells Ted where they're building the new headquarters: at the site of a building called the Arcadian, where kings and queens used to stay. Now it's mostly a site for queens -- drag, that is, of a prostitutional variety. One solicits Ted as he's standing outside the building. He politely declines and then says to himself, "Still got it!" Cut to Ted back in Barney's office, telling him they have to talk. A woman knocks on the door and says, "Excuse me, Mr. Stinson." Barney: "Not now, Trish!" But she has an urgent memo for Mr. Mosby. It, of course, says "-dary." Barney's excited, until Ted whines that he can't design the building.
Lily's in a cute nightie in the bedroom with Marshall, who's in a robe and putting on slipper-socks. Lily protests that her eggs go right back up into her fallopian tubes when he ruins the mood she's trying to set with those. He says "Papa needs traction" because of the slippery satin sheets. This is all just setup for a later joke, so they quickly move on. Lily tells Marshall how great things are going for Robin and Max (the guy who can't tell Maury Povich from Woody Allen). They even hooked up last night. Marshall's super excited, because Max is Max's name and his level of awesomeness. Lily goes on that Robin feels totally comfortable with Max: They bonded over hockey, he has a small penis, and they want to double date next weekend. Marshall freaks out that Lily would tell him about the small penis, which he will now never be able to stop thinking about. He says he won't be able to look Max in the eye, or ever call him "Max."
MacLaren's. Ted's explaining to Barney that he can't build GNB if it means tearing down an architectural landmark. Plus, he asks, how does GNB plan to get hundreds of residents to up and leave. Barney says "Snakes," but when Ted questions that, he's like, "I don't recall saying snakes." Barney realizes Ted loves crappy old stuff no one cares about, but he has four words to live by: "New is always better." He uses women he hasn't slept with as an example, because they're always hotter than the ones he has slept with, duh. That's totally logical. Ted asks if it applies to everything? Barney says it does, then he has to pretend he prefers new Star Wars movies, newer Guns N' Roses, and new Scotch (Jumbo Jim's Grape Scotch).
Barney says new is always better, just like bigger is always better, which is when Robin, Marshall, and Lily all walk up and sit down. Marshall gets all awkward about how that's not true, because sometimes smaller is better, like with cell phones. He says if you want something compact and efficient that fits comfortably in your pocket, "and I think Max is just a great guy." Robin: "Lily told you." So they tell everyone about Max's small penis. Ted and Barney also freak out. Lily and Robin tell them that girls talk about everything: size, shape, left- or right-leaning, length, resemblance to a historical figure such as Winston Churchill -- and, yes, that's either Ted or Barney. Barney asks how they can speak of such things, which Lily points out is pretty ridiculous since anytime Lily talks about a new person, Barney says, "Boobs?" Which is not even the complete sentence, "Does she have big boobs?" (which Lily says also would not be okay). He says he doesn't do that, so she mentions someone from her work, and he's like, "Boobs?" Barney says he's going to pretend this conversation didn't happen, but Marshall says Max's penis is stuck in his head like a "splinter-sized splinter."
Barney catches everyone up on Ted's latest whining episode about the building, and wonders why he would care about this building out of the blue. He quickly realizes there's a girl involved, and Ted admits it. Her name's Zoey. Cut to him standing outside the building when a cute blond walks up and says hi. He thinks she's a very cute drag queen at first, but when he realizes she's not, he falls for her since her interest in the building proves her to be, to Ted, a hot architecture nerd, which is the dream. Ted and Zoey sit and talk about the building and how older is always better. They even both want to be old and wrinkly. Zoey asks Ted to sign the "Save the Arcadian" petition. Which of course he does, causing Barney to do a spit-take when he hears about it. But he's impressed by the grape Scotch -- though he may be more interested in the spit-takeability than the flavor.
Barney tells Ted he only thinks the Arcadian needs to be saved because of some girl, and, "seriously, boobs?" Ted says it's about the building, not the girl. Barney wonders what Zoey thought when she found out Ted's the architect of destruction. Marshall and Barney fist bump to that one. But we already know weakling Ted didn't tell her. Instead, he lied that he was a veterinarian. Barney says this is "classic Mosby, changing your personality to fit some girl." Ted protests, so we cut to a bunch of scenes of Ted in various costumes going to hang out with his latest love interest: adrenaline junkie, Civil War re-enactor, wizard. Barney takes a cell phone picture of that last one. Ted points out they all change for the people they're with, and it's not pretending to like something for the other person; it's realizing you like something because of the other person. Ted asks if GNB really put snakes in the Arcadian, and Barney scoffs, but then says they were technically eggs. When Ted asks, Barney doesn't recall saying eggs.
Double date time. Max is talking about his job, but we get to go inside Marshall's head where all he can think about is "small penis, small penis, small penis." Robin thinks it's cool that Max started his own practice, but Max says it's a pretty small law firm. Marshall finally jumps in, saying it's not that small probably, and, anyway, it's how you use it. Robin wants Marshall to move on, but Marshall says it's probably bigger than Max thinks. Max says everything about it is tiny, even the staff. Robin: "Let's order!"
Ted's mustering the courage to call and tell Zoey the truth when she shows up at his door. She needs his help taking care of some bunnies (since he's a vet, remember) that she liberated from an evil cosmetics company. Instead of the truth, Ted asks her to let him run up and get his bag of vet supplies. Back on their double date, Marshall's going overboard in being nice to Max. He's buying his dinner because he just wants him to be happy, then he hugs him. Max goes to the bathroom, and Robin says he's acting like he has six months to live. Marshall says it's their fault for their "salty sailor talk." Robin wonders about locker room talk, but Marshall says people are just trying to get out of the locker room as quick as they can, except that one old guy who's letting it all hang out. Thank goodness for strategically placed locker doors. Lily asks if Marshall's trying to say guys don't talk about sex, and Marshall admits they do, but they say: "I hit that." "I got some." "I tapped it." "I squeezed those." Discreet and efficient. Robin adds "classy." Marshall says he'd kill himself if he thought Lily talked in that detail about their sex life. Robin and Lily exchange awkward glances, and Robin admits she knows about Marshall's need for traction.
Back at the bunny van, Ted wonders if Zoey was worried she would get arrested. She wasn't, because she's been arrested a lot (and we get to see the fake mug shots to prove it). Ted's impressed that Zoey's a little bit crazy. She says she's crazy