Back at the dibs battle, Barney tells Ted that if he ignores the dibs, Barney will give a speech at his wedding to this girl in which he outs Ted as a dibs ignorer. This leads to a fantasy sequence in which the bride slaps Ted for humiliating her with his implied dibs, apologizes to Barney for not knowing and they decide to do it right there, at her and Ted's reception. Ted tells Barney to have at it, since the hottie has her shields up anyway, reading a book. Barney's like, "At a bar! The book might as well be called, Are You There, Barney? It's me, Horny." He says "shields up" actually looks like... oh, let's just have Robin walk in looking haggard. And so she does. And because her messy hair, dirty and baggy clothes, and makeup to make her look sick aren't enough, she's also carrying bags of junk food. Just so we know she's really in a bad place, hurting from the breakup with Don, that guy we never cared about because the show didn't want us to.
Flash to a few months earlier, just post-breakup. Ted tells Robin he's there for her, and she tells him that when she tries to have sex with him, he has to try to say no. He's all, I'll do more than try; our friendship is too important. She rants about how awesome she is and how he won't be able to resist. Then he walks in two weeks later, and she's gross and shoving food in her face when she tells him she's ready to have sex now. Back in the present, Ted finds a week-old Cheeto in Robin's hair, which she calls dibs on and then eats. Barney tells her she's exquisite, which he means sarcastically, but which I actually believe to be true more here than almost any other time. Because she's just reveling in this. Anyway, Ted asks her if the girl at the bar has her shields up. Robin says she is; she's here on a date and is reading while she waits to impress the guy she's meeting. Robin bites into a burger and gives Barney a "de-rection."
Marshall and Lily show up, but she's not pregnant yet, because when Marshall got home all ready to sex her up (let's keep reminding ourselves Saget!Ted's telling his kids this story), she was unhappy to show him that his father had sent a bassinet that he made himself. (The setup is genius, though, since Lily tells Marshall that "A big package just arrived," and he's like, "Yeah, it did.") Most women would appreciate this handmade gesture, but not in this case, because it means that -- gasp! -- Marshall told his dad they're working on the baby-making. Back at the bar, Marshall says of course he told his dad; he's his best friend. Ted and Barney, in jealous unison: "Woah!" Marshall tells Lily he's been "saving all his love for" her for two weeks as they've planned for this night. Lily says she's read eleven books on conception, cut out caffeine and sugar, and takes her temperature every hour. "But good for you for not playing with yourself." She leaves the table in a huff, and Marshall has to tell Ted not to touch him since that might actually bring the love at this point. Um, ew. Then he looks at Robin and says he's better now.