Columbia/UC Sunnydale: Ted thinks he's adopted the cool teacher approach, but he's really just being Duke Ted. He refers to himself as the students' peer, and then gets his ass handed to him by his class. One student asks who the hell he is, and another one notes that he failed as an architect. Oh, this must be a fantasy or dream sequence. Finally, one student asks, "And if you're a professor, where's your hat and your whip?" Yep. Dream. The scene ends with one kid asking him where his pants are. Ted wakes to find Barney rummaging through his nightstand for condoms. Nightmare. We cut to...

MacLaren's: Barney lays out Dream!Ted's missteps. "Mistake number 1 was taking that girl's question. You don't take questions on the first day. It shows weakness. Mistake number 2 was -- you should've hit that. Dude, your pants were already off; you had a classroom full of people to cheer you on; and you couldn't knock her up, 'cause it's a dream. Class dismissed." Marshall butts in. "Mistake number 3: Dude, where was the hat? Because if you're not going to wear it, I'm taking it back." Oh, Marshall. When you buy a friend a present that cool -- you have to buy one for yourself, too. I can't believe you've lived with Lily so long without learning that. Lily restates Barney's point: definitions are important. Barney agrees, but Robin catches on pretty quickly that Lily is setting them up, particularly once she goes on to mention how people need to know their place, etc. She pointedly adds, "Define the relationship." Robin frowns as Barney starts saying yes and turns it into a no. He pulls Lily aside for a private convo (and Robin must be whipped, because she and Ted don't do the "Private Convo," thing) and oh my word what the hell did the wardrobe department put on Lily's legs? She's wearing a (cute) mini-dress...over bike shorts...over grey, fuzzy tights, the likes of which I haven't seen since the 1980s. No wonder she's so cross and bossy, tonight. Those are January's tights, not September's. Maybe her wardrobe's the reason she's become quite the meddler over the past year. That can't be a breathable combination. Barney just wants Lily and her layers to leave them alone. They're happy. Lily says they're not. "You just think you're happy because you feel happy." Freud calls from the hereafter to thank the writers for his unexpected field day. Meanwhile, back at the booth...