Saget!Ted tells his kids that his first kiss with Zoey was amazing (ew!) and complicated. They finish their hallway kiss from last week, and he goes on and on about how complicated her divorce and everything else makes this. She basically tells him he's a mood-killer, so he says he just wants to do it right. Saget!Ted lies to his kids that his friends were supportive. Quick cut to MacLaren's, where Barney loudly scolds, "You're doing this all wrong, Ted!" And Lily thinks they're moving too slowly, too. Ted says he's trying, but she keeps putting on the brakes when he suggests a big, romantic date. Tonight, for instance, she wants him to come over and bake cookies. The gang (minus Marshall) fills Ted in that "bake cookies" means "bootie call." Duh.
Robin fills Ted in on the difference between guys and girls: Guys bootie call after 2 a.m. with a drunkenly slurred, "What ya doin'?" But a lady invents a respectable excuse. "It's called class, Ted." Lily tells Ted how it will work, but it's all about Marshall, because he's still stuck in Minnesota taking care of his mother. And now it's Valentine's Day, and Lily says it won't be the same without them watching Predator. Saget!Ted thinks his kids will care about this, and explains how in college Marshall and Lily were supposed to watch Sleepless in Seattle, but Marshall's brothers had taped over it with Predator. Back at MacLaren's, Barney takes Lily's loneliness as an opportunity to tell the gang about his favorite day, February 13, Desperation Day! Robin: "That's not a thing." Barney: "That's a thing." He says it dates back thousands of years, to St. Valentine (Ted in a Caesar suit) and his best friend, St. Desperatius (Barney, who hits on a 15-year-old Robin). Back at MacLaren's, Barney says that neediness reaches its climax ("What up?!") on Feb. 13, a magical night "when a 10 has the self-esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2." The only thing you can't do is stay with her past 11:59 p.m., because otherwise? You'd be on a Valentine's Day date. Robin tells Barney that she's a single woman who doesn't care at all about Valentine's Day, so Barney can stick it. He thinks she's lying, and the friends she'll be with are trolls. "Ba ba ba" opening.
Later, at Ted and Robin's, Lily says she's decided to go to Minnesota to be with Marshall for Valentine's Day, because he shouldn't have to be alone taking care of his mom without her. Barney wonders if she's losing her mind in her apartment, and she admits she's getting weird. Cut to her snuggling with a body pillow wearing a Vikings jersey. She says first she just put his jersey on a pillow, then things spiraled. She's serving the pillow, dressed in a suit, dinner, and apologizes for yelling before. She tells the gang she calls him "Marshpillow" and he calls her "well, nothing, beause he's a pillow." But I am curious what she was going to say. Ted comes in next, and the gang wonders how "baking cookies" went. Saget!Ted tells his kids (he's telling his kids about a euphemism with possibly their mother or some random former girlfriend; again: ew!) this was a tough question for him. Side-swipe to him showing up at Zoey's... with an overnight bag. The gang is disappointed, because you don't bring a carry-on for sex. Ted says that Zoey told him he was being presumptuous and made him leave. He says he didn't bring that much; not even real slippers -- just his British morning socks.