Marshall and Lily find out they're pregnant to start the episode off, but since we already know the episode is called "False Positive," let's skip ahead to the part where they're, you know, not really pregnant. Basically they're relieved, because for the thirty-six hours they thought they were pregnant, they freaked the hell out. Their friends, on the other hand, started contemplating what they were doing with their lives. This led Robin to take a low-paying research job at World Wide News (the company she New Year's Resolved to work for in January 2010) instead of becoming the latest Coin Flip Bimbo for the brilliant Alex Trebek-hosted Million Dollar Heads or Tails. Honestly, with Minute to Win It constantly promoted, Million Dollar Heads or Tails might as well exist. Barney decides to give his bonus-check to charity (not Charity, the stripper) instead of buying a diamond-pin-striped suit. However, Marshall and Lily find out the false positive and text the gang right as Robin's about to decline the job with Alex Trebek and Barney's about to write a ginormous check to Sam Gibbs's (that's his half-brother's father, remember?) church. ...
So they both change their minds, and show up to watch the movie with Ted, all coin-flipping and diamond-suited up. When Marshall and Lily show up, they're glowing and happy, until Ted asks what the hell, since he assumed they'd be devastated. They admit it's sort of a relief since they were freaking out, and now they'll probably just go ahead and get a dog instead. Ted mans up and yells at them, telling them to get home and have some sex and make another false pregnancy. They do it. Then he yells at Barney to give the suit back and give the money to charity (not the stripper). Barney protests until Ted yells loudly to all the city's criminals to come and get some diamond suit wealth. Then he runs off to return it, and gives a giant check to Sam Gibbs, along with a bunch of suits for the needy. Finally, Ted yells at Robin to take the job at the company she wants to work for instead of the bimbo job that makes her feel pretty. She does it, too, and gets the ID badge she's always wanted.
Ted's ability to yell at his friends during their mini-crises (he even yells at Punchy that he is going to get married, because he loves her) convinces Robin that Ted's ready to be the best man, and she asks him to be hers someday, if she ever gets married and it's not to him. He agrees. Which opens the door for that season-opening wedding to be hers instead of Punchy's.
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We open on Lily and Marshall reading a pregnancy test, and it's positive. They freak out, all happy, then rush over to tell the gang at Ted and Robin's. Barney, running out: "I've never seen that woman before in my life!" Then he comes back and apologizes: "Force of habit." At MacLaren's, they all toast to Lily, and comment on how peaceful they both look. Marshall says he's never been happier and can't imagine anything bringing him down. Cut to a doctor: "You're not pregnant." Then Marshall (who's sitting with Lily in matching track suits) says, "Well, that did it."
Boppy opening theme.
And then Saget!Ted tells us, his kids, about the 36 hours Lily and Marshall thought they were pregnant, causing each of them all to rethink their own lives. For Ted, it was also because he was on the phone with Punchy, trying to be a best man by telling him how they'll totally crush the flower arrangements. Punchy and Ted get all worked up about the flowers like they're talking about beer, sports or boobs. Worst best man ever? Possibly. Ted hangs up and tells Robin he knows she's thinking: "I wish I were a dude." Robin: "I do wish you were a dude." But he says she totally wants him as her best man. Robin's all, "Uh, nuh-uh." Because a best man is not supposed to crush floral arrangements; he's supposed to make sure the nervous groom (and they all are) goes through with it. Ted reminds her he's done this already, with Lily and Marshall. Robin reminds him what a disaster that was, with the head-shaving and all. Not that that was his fault, but I get her point: As best man, Ted should have saved Marshall from himself. She tells him he's 0 for 1, despite his toast.
Ted's not going to take this crap from someone who recorded seven episodes of Million Dollar Heads or Tails. Cut to Alex Trebek asking a guy to flip a coin for a million dollars, which is as silly as you'd think, but also somehow funny. Ted asks why Robin's obsessed with this show all of a sudden, and she says it turns out Million Dollar Heads or Tails has a job opening. The coin flip girl flips her coin right into Alex's eye, and Robin says that they're looking for a new "currency rotation specialist." Ted asks if she means "coin-flip bimbo," and she gets defensive. He asks if she auditioned. Cut to her flipping a coin over and over for a monocular Trebek, who loves her, AND SHE'S CANADIAN?! She's hired. Ted's disgusted, and reminds her of her New Year's resolution to work for World Wide News. She swore she'd be wearing a WWN badge around her neck by that time next year. Robin says World Wide News only offered her a boring, low-paying, off-camera research job, which Ted thinks could be a stepping stone for her career. Robin says that so could being the currency rotation specialist, because the last one went on to become a "semi-finalist" on The Bachelor, and then lost a hundred pounds on The Biggest Loser, and is now totally winning Celebrity Rehab. It's so out-of-character for Robin to think any of that is awesome, but apparently the writers of this show have gone nuts for reality TV.