As Stella climbs the stairs to Tony's building, Ted calls out to her. "You picked the wrong guy." She turns and comes back down the stairs -- back down to face the music -- back down to face Ted. She's lucky she doesn't have to face my husband. I think he's still more pissed off than Ted. Ted's voice softens. "You picked the wrong guy. You made a really, really, really bad choice." Like really? Stella stares at him, and almost nods; I feel like I'm watching Ruby. "What were you thinking? That guy? Are you kidding me? Have you learned nothing in the last eight years?" What is this, MSNBC? I know, Ted. I get really wrapped up in election coverage, too. By the time this weecap is published, it should all be over. I hope. "You're just going to regret this. You know that, right? You are going to regret this, and now there is nothing you can do about it, because it's too late." Stella keeps giving him Ruby's impenetrable steady deadly gaze of I Might Be Dead Inside But Who Knows. Ted continues: "All you can do now is go up there and start your crappy, disappointing life..." as a doctor, who's the mother of a healthy, bright, beautiful, happy little girl. Um. "...that will never be as happy as the one you could have had with me." I'll give him that, because although Ted may have his quirks and faults, Tony is a ginormous tool. Ted's bile is all spent, so he says "Goodbye," and starts to make his way back to his cab. Stella finally wakes up. "Ted, wait..." Oops, Ted's not done. "Look, Stella, I am not here to win you back. I am here because I need to you that you know you made the biggest mistake of your life." Stella's eyes fill up; her voice is choked. "I know." Ted says, "Good." Harsh. But good and harsh. Stella watches him walk off.
In the cab, Ted says, "That's what I'm gonna say." Wha??? Oh, show, you're such a little cheater. The gang could not approve any more of Ted's planned speech. Marshall says, "Oh, dag!" Barney growls, "Cold-blooded!" Lily says, "Yeah, that's good. Go say that." Ted gets out of the cab -- for real. But this time, when Stella climbs the stairs, Tony, who is holding little Lucy on one hip, opens the door and comes out to welcome Stella home. Ted watches as this happy little family greets one another with kisses and hugs. Saget!Ted tells us that then it all just went away. "And that was it. In that moment I wasn't angry anymore. I could see Stella was meant to be with Tony. Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger, or throw it in someone's face," I think he's talking to you, Lily. "But there's a third option. You can just let it go. And only when you do that is it really gone, and then you can move forward." I think Saget!Ted swallows. We watch 2008 Ted walk back to the car, so slowly, lost in thought. "And that kids, was the perfect ending to a perfect love story. It just wasn't mine." Over a shot of Ted's "A New York Guide to Place You Might Run Into Stella Zinman" map, Saget!Ted closes with: "Mine was still out there -- waiting for me." One by one, the red zones disappears, which I think means Ted is now a free-range New Yorker. There's no end tag, so we're all out of show, and one episode closer to meeting the mother. If she exists. I'm starting to think Ted's kids were hatched.