How I Met Your Mother

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How I Met Everyone Else

All right, peeps. Season three is officially ON. The first four episodes were just preamble.

MacLaren's. The gang is all gathered at the usual table. Ted is motioning for a very attractive woman in a colorful dress to join them. SagetTed is telling the kids that in the fall of 2007 (hey, that's like now!), he was dating a woman named...the scene freezes because he can't remember her name. SagetTed says he can't remember everything after 23 years (yet, they can still make a show out of it), so for the sake of this story, he'll just call her something. Ted introduces the woman to his friends as, "Blah Blah." "Please, call me 'Blah,' " she says. She's carrying a big purse, which will figure in later. Marshall asks how they met. Blah Blah says that she and Ted met in a French Fusion cooking class. Sounds ghastly. She says they were asked to pair up with a partner and she sad Ted across the room. Ted shifts uncomfortably as she tells the story. They both agree that it was "Magical." You can actually hear the quote marks. They kiss and the screen freezes.

"But it wasn't," SagetTed informs us. An hour earlier, the gang is all filing into MacLaren's and Ted is letting everyone know that they're going to hear a bogus story about a cooking class because the truth is he met Blah Blah online. Robin is first to the booth, and she's wearing a small, dark-green dress that is... wow. Nice look this week, Robin. You make me want to go to the mall. Everyone makes funny noises when they hear "online." Ted says there's no stigma anymore to meeting someone online. Robin says there's definitely a stigma. She says that's why people say there's no stigma anymore. Hey, online is how I met Glark! And that turned out...lovely. Barney asks if she's hot. Ted says she's gorgeous. Barney concludes that she's crazy. Barney offers this wisdom: the only girls who troll the Internet looking for dates are crazy, hookers or dudes. Ted says she's none of those. But, he says, there's a dude on his way to work who is all three and scares the crap out of him. Robin laughs. Barney thinks there's no way she's above the line of the Hot/Crazy Scale. Ted says she's not even on that scale, she's just hot. Robin asks what it is to be a Hot/Crazy Scale. Barney offers to illustrate. Cute instructional music plays as Barney draws a graph in the air. The graph actually appears in white lettering on screen. On the horizontal side is the word "CRAZY," which Barney spells out. Vertically, it says, "HOT." Barney says that a girl is allowed to be crazy as long as she's equally hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. He draws an X at the point where they would meet equally on the graph. He illustrated an example with a very crazy woman who then has to be very hot to match. It's a brilliant theory for our times. Robin's jaw is open in awe. Barney draws a yellow diagonal line at the midpoint and says you want a girl who falls above it. He calls it the "Vickie Mendoza Diagonal," named after a girl he dated who kept jumping across the line. He draws circles and dotted lines showing where she shaved her head, lost 10 pounds, stabbed Barney with a fork, then finally got a boob job. Barney decides he should give her a call.

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How I Met Your Mother

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