How I Met Your Mother

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How I Met Everyone Else

Side-whoosh to the MacLaren's bathroom in 2001. Ted, rocking a Dante from Clerks goatee, is peeing next to Barney at the urinals. Barney, holding one arm up, says tonight is the first night he's taking out his deaf brother since his mom died. Ted says he's sorry about that. Barney says he has to take care of him now. Barney goes on with that line of bullshit. Then he's proud of himself that Ted bought the story he just made up while peeing. Barney believes it has to work on a hot blonde sitting at the end of the bar. Barney asks if Ted might be a total idiot. Ted says he's still having this conversation, so... Barney tells him that was "well-played," and exits the bathroom. Right at the door, he says, "I like you, Ted."

15 minutes later, Barney sits next to Ted at a booth and says he's going to teach him how to live. First: breathe! Barney puts an arm around Ted and tells him the first lesson is to lose the goatee because it doesn't go with his suit. Also, Ted needs a suit. They're awesome. No marriage before 30. Also, Ted needs to shut up now, because Barney's going to try the deaf brother story on the blonde. He introduces Ted as his deaf brother Edward. "EDWARD! THIS IS AUDREY!" Barney yells into Ted's face. Audrey knows sign language. She signs her name to Ted. Barney makes excuses for Ted not signing, including tiny lady-like hands. Ted does know how to sign. He signs to Audrey that she should give her number to Barney. She does. Barney is impressed.

Side-whoosh to the present. Barney says he knew then that they would be each other's wingmen forever, even though the girl gave him a fake number. Ted confesses that the story didn't exactly go like that. We flash back and Ted is actually signing that Barney is lying and that the blonde should give him a fake number. Back in the present, everyone laughs except Barney. He gets annoyed and says that with a wingman like that, he might need to resort to meeting someone in a desperate way...like online. He repeats, "Online" again directly at Blah Blah. She figures out that Ted told everyone. Ted says that the love-at-first-sight thing only happens in movies. Barney corrects that it happened with Ted and Robin. We flash to the pilot in 2005 where they first met. Blah Blah, surprised, asks how long they dated. Robin, doing damage control, says it wasn't that good and was mostly just sex by the end. And the sex was no good. She was no good. Ted's great in the sack. Sorta. Awkward! Robin asks if she can buy those handbags online. Blah Blah storms off, thinking that Ted is just using her to make Robin jealous and that Ted probably won't even remember her name. Ted follows her to the bar. Barney decides to check in with the Hot/Crazy Scale. Barney starts her off on the hot side, but moves her sideways as she's gotten crazier, but not appreciably hotter. She crosses the line and moves toward the "Shelly Gillespie Zone," named for a girl who gained 20 pounds and tried to kill him with a brick.

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How I Met Your Mother

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