How I Met Your Mother

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Bite The Big Apple -- The Big Apple Bites

As Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily down beers at MacLaren's, Saget!Ted tells us that in the Fall of 2008, he had a little problem. Current-day Ted tells his disappointed friends that he's off to Stella's.

Barney walks in wearing a trench coat. "Tonight's the night, guys. I've tried it before, I've failed every time. This time, I'm going to do it. Tonight..." He undoes the coat and you think he's going to flash everyone right there and then, but wait for it. "...I pick up a Lesbian." He drops the coat to reveal some unholy manner of costume. I think it's a black knit two-piece woman's outfit. The top is like a black sweater vest with a blue and turquoise cubist patterned blouse (or make that blouse-parts) attached underneath. Of course there's a matching scarf. The gang claps, gasps and laughs. "Robin, I need your lipstick." Barney puts on a matching headband and dons some big ass glasses. Ted says, "Oh, man! Take pictures, all right?" Barney says "Bye Ted," as he applies his lipstick, even though the closed-captioning lies that he says, "Spicy." Hearing impaired people, I think it's time someone told you the closed captioneers are wrong nearly as often as they're right. The More You Know! Whoops, wrong network.

Saget!Ted continues. "I lived in New York." Interesting use of the past-tense, there. A silver train whooshes by. "But Stella lived across the river, in New Jersey." A guy sleeps on Ted's shoulder as he cringes. Next, he lets himself into Stella's, and she's asleep in very cute black lingerie, on her living room couch. Ted lets out the same disappointed: "Oh, man," he said to Barney. Stella snores. Being the last person on earth to remember she exists, I check upstairs to make sure Stella's little girl Lucy is asleep. What the heck, Sleeping Stella? Have you never heard of a robe?

Saget!Ted tells us he was always taking the train. Other regulars recognize him, like Matisse, the young man wearing a black leotard (or worse, a unitard), leopard skin short shorts, a purple scarf, crazy striped socks, fingerless knit gloves, and roller blades. As a result of the commute, Ted misses out on everything -- including the free champagne the gang snags when Robin gets that national anchor job; a hot meal with Lucy (yes, everyone's dressed appropriately) and Stella; and lines any more interesting than "Oh, man!" Stella knows Ted's upset, so he explains that he feels like he spends more time on the train than with either Stella or his friends, so she suggests he asks his friends to come out there, sometime. Controlling or hospitable? You be the judge.

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How I Met Your Mother

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