How I Met Your Mother

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How We Quit Those Mothers

MacLaren's; 26 Hours Later: The booth is covered in more food than you can imagine. Lilystein snarls at Barney for biting his nails loudly, but he's just trying to suck the nicotine off his fingers. Ted asks Marshall to pass the onion rings, and Marshall snaps back at him. "What -- you got dinosaur arms? They're right here." Barney reminds me far too much of myself in this scene. "What do you think cigarettes are doing right now? You think they're thinking about us?" Ted yells at Marshall for tapping his foot. Marshall says, "Oh, my God, Ted, I'm so sorry. Maybe I should move it a little bit closer to your ASS!" The two men rise, ready to take each other on (although while Ted's putting up his dukes, Marshall is pointing a squirty catsup bottle at him). Saget!Ted says they didn't know what they were fighting about. They just wanted to smoke, more than anything else in the world. Marshall fantasizes about going back in time and literally kicking his 13-year-old self while he's down, after he got sucker-punched in the last fantasy. Hee.

Come On, GET UP New York! set: As Robin studies for her interview with the Mayor, Don comes in (still sans trousers) and stops to talk with his tighty-whities right in her face. She puts him on warning that she's stressed out because she quit smoking for her interview with the Mayor. Don calls her a "precious porcelain unicorn" and wonders why she'd do that. Robin snaps. "Because I care, Don. I-- I care about the show. I-- I care about my career, unlike you, you unprofessional jerk! You're-- you're sloppy, you're rude, and I wish you worked half as hard as the elastic on those stretched-out underpants." When Don says it's starting to get personal, Robin says no -- it would be getting personal if she told him what a lazy, obnoxious loser he is -- and proceeds to do just that.

When she's quite done, Don leans in toward her. "The Mayor canceled." The cameraman counts down. Once they're on the air, Robin starts doing her job, but every time it's Don's turn to talk, he continues their off-camera argument. He tells Robin he used to be like her, until he realized the job is a dead-end. "You're never going to be a network anchor." He takes out a cigarette and lights up while they're still on the air. Horrified, Robin tries to ignore him, but he does his level best to undermine her confidence and to get her to take a drag -- right there on the show. Robin pleads with him to be professional, but Don scoffs and points out that even the cameraman is gone. There's an empty chair holding it in place. "We're on a show where we can't even get the cameraman to watch. That's why the Mayor canceled, Robin. And that's why Mike is on a fried chicken run. And that's why you and I can enjoy a cigarette right here on the air." When she still won't smoke, Don says, "Why? Because of our millions and millions of impressionable viewers? Okay, if any impressionable viewers have a problem with this, please give us a call. The number's on the screen." Did the chair put the number up there? Don imitates the chirping of a phone and then tells Robin to live a little.

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How I Met Your Mother

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