After commercials, Marshall tells them all his phone's been out of juice, so his dad must have called the day that he, uh... Lily asks if he's okay, and he gets poignant about holding in his hand the last words his dads will say to him. He wants to hit play, but he can't, because: What if it's worse than Crocodile Dundee III? That's a question I often ask myself. Thankfully, not many things are. He notices his mom's about to collapse, but Lily tells him she'll take care of Judy. The rest of the gang tells Marshall not to put so much pressure on last words; they don't mean much. Barney says all the famous last words you hear about are total lies, like Nathan Hale, who Barney claims actually didn't say "I only regret that I have one but life to lose for my country" last, because he then said, "I'm peeing my pants." They continue to push Marshall to do it, so he goes outside to listen to it alone. Which gives a cute blonde girl a chance to hit Robin up for the good stuff.
Lily comes out excited and tells the gang what just happened in the kitchen. She was sweet to Judy, who then yelled at her about her snobby New York ways in the kitchen. Then, Judy got incredibly tired and went to take a nap. Get it? Hating Lily helps her sleep. Lily feels so good about having a role: Judy's bitch. Ted wonders if Lily can absorb all this, since the day's rough on her, too. Lily's good, though: Robin gave her a little pill from her bag, so things are flowing pretty smooth. Robin reminds her to stay hydrated. Marshall comes back in: He couldn't listen to the voicemail. They all think it doesn't matter what his dad said and he should listen, so he asks them what their dad's last words would be if they died right now.
Flashes: Ted's dad talked to him about a girl he's been sleeping with, who Ted also slept with back in high school or something. It's totally gross. Robin gives Ted the flask, and Marshall tells Ted: "Lawyered." Lily's dad calls to tell her he's in jail for not paying taxes for 25 years and asks for $15,000 bail. She pretends to be an answering machine. Now she's drinking from Robin's flask, and is also lawyered. Robin's dad tells her what a disappointment she's been and that he'd like to stop lying to his friends about her being in a coma. Then he tells her "Happy birthday." In the present, they all say it's awful, and she says what's really awful was her giddy reaction: "You remembered my birthday?!" She drinks from the flask. And is lawyered. Barney makes a touching speech about how he thought he had it bad not knowing his dad, but at least he'll never have to suffer like this. Then he shows Marshall another nad-rattler video. Or tries to, until Marshall stops him and says he just needs a minute.