I didn't think this show could get any more painful to watch, but I was wrong. This episode had to be the bottom of the barrel and it just made me depressed thinking about the amount of royalty money they must have paid to use the Beastie Boys classic "Sabotage" in such a sucky capacity. I hope that they at least got the Proclaimers cheap.
Not only that, but they had an "original song" as well, which was just dreadful. It's a scene with Wayne Brady, Ben Vereen, NPH (who are all trained Broadway musical performers) and John Lithgow (who's got a few shows under his belt as well) and they produce this shitty faux '50s sitcom with the dumbest lyrics and the most forgettable tune ever? What a waste of talent. Even Frances Conroy is better off being burned at the stake on American Horror Story: Coven.
So, on to the plotlines. I'll start with Marshall, who is listening to the Proclaimers' "500 Miles" on repeat, and Daphne's enjoying it… until she's not. Turns out her kid is mad that she won't make it back for the model U.N. and told Daphne to not bother. Marshall ignores Daphne's request to go home, and takes her to see her kid at school on a Saturday in the late afternoon (possibly even evening by this point). So it seems like we're rid of Daphne fairly unceremoniously, and Marshall is just a few hours out of Farhampton.
Barney's dad Jerry (Lithgow) shows up, and it’s the first time he's seen Barney's mom Loretta in years. Barney immediately sees imagined sparks and goes about some ridiculous schemes involving elevators and massive amounts of infantile behavior (up to and including having his father's current wife killed in a parasailing accident). Meanwhile, his brother James (Brady) is apparently over his hatred of all things wedding related, and is on a quest to get his dad Sam (Vereen) to bang their mom. Sam is there to marry Robin and Barney, because these characters realized 20 hours or so after they killed their original reverend with their tales of sex that they needed someone to perform their ceremony and Sam is qualified. And it turns out that after much obnoxious behavior, Sam and Loretta have been reconnecting for a while… so James wins and Robin has to explain to Barney like he's a four-year-old that James has been having a rough time so he needs a win right now. Totally ignoring the fact that both brothers made this about them and not about what makes their parents happy.
And then there's Ted as a detective. He's entrusted with a glossy autographed photo of Wayne Gretzky that Barney plans on gifting to Robin at their rehearsal dinner (even though it's after 3 PM and we've heard nothing about any actual rehearsing happening). The picture isn't even framed, or in a folder, just out to get finger prints all over it. Anyway, Ted leaves the pic unattended and comes back to see that it's got calligraphy ink spilled all over it. Instead of taking the blame, he goes on a mission to prove that someone else did it. It's so dumb I can't really even explain, but William Zabka did it. He wanted to be the hero because he's always been the villain. He was hoping by saving the picture (the ink-covered pic was one of his 2,000 headshots he keeps in his trunk), Barney would reinstate him as best man. Ted takes the blame and Zabka looks like a good guy, but best man duties aren't officially exchanged. I will say to Zabka's credit, he doesn't come off as a villain, and instead he's the most interesting thing about this episode.