Back at Dowistrepla, Ted says Lily is just panicking and focusing on the negatives, while Robin thinks Lily is being realistic. Since Ted's pro-kids and Robin's against them, Lily pours herself another big glass of red wine and has them present their cases. Ted thinks you never feel ready and should just go ahead and do it. If your life is stable and you and your partner want to have children together, he's pretty much right. You're never ready enough for the big stuff - marriage, buying a home, having a baby. No matter how prepared you are; it's still always more of a leap than a step. Robin and Lily mock him that he only thinks that way because he's a total dad already - corny jokes, guilt-laden lectures and all. All he needs are the kids. Lily says Robin's kicking his ass so far, and that it's time to go negative. Nooooooooooo. The election is over. Don't do it. Ted's not listening to me. He says Robin's problem can be summed up in three words: "Scared of babies." He might as well have said, "She's a socialist." Ahem. Anyhow, he explains Robin's freaked out by Ted's cousin's baby, Lily's friend's baby, and even the talking baby commercial. Does Ted underestimate the creepiness of that commercial? Ted reminds Lily how much she loves children and how much they love her back. Robin reminds Lily that she has plans: grad school, teaching art at the college level (really?), and she thinks Lily ought to focus on Project Lily before she starts on Project Baby.
A now drunken Lily is aboard Robin's train, until she finds one of Jeremy's socks and melts into a puddle with a blood-alcohol content that would get your arrested. Lily announces, "I'm having a baby." When Robin raises objections, Lily can only reply, "But...sock!" Baby socks are like that. Baby toes are even worse. Ted makes a corny-dad joke about the sock being the "sock-out punch." Robin says, "Shut up, Dad." Ted says, "You shut up, baby-hater." Um, good one? Robin tells Ted that babies are scary with their giant eyes. "And come on, the soft spot? If there's going to be a self-destruct button, at least hide it somewhere it won't accidentally get pressed." While Robin and Ted are arguing about Lily's future, Lily disappears. I remember feeling like I'd disappeared when my babies were little, but I digress. (Not really, babies. And hey, what are you doing reading this? Send your therapy bills to Saget!Ted. He's going to get so many; he'll never notice a few more.) Ted and Robin notice she's gone, and that the wine bottle is empty, even though neither of them had a drop.