Barney tells Marshall he gets Honey back to her place, and then we're there. Marshall would like to skip this part, so Barney says he'll summarize. He makes squeaking bed noises that start out slow, get faster and then slow down. Marshall finally says, "Okay. That's been going on awhile." Barney: "Only way I know how." The next day, as Barney tells it, he runs into Zoey, and is all, "Yowza!" about her cousin. He makes the bed noises for her, too, and she is so happy to hear Honey didn't go home with Ted that she actually hugs Barney. And if you can hug a guy who just made bed noises, there's something up, right? Barney asks Marshall what the hug was all about, and Marcus pipes up: "Zoey's in love with Ted!" Marshall wants him to hang up, but he hears him out first: Marcus says that Zoey tried to push Ted away with her cousin because she's married and in love with him. Marshall realizes Zoey is in love with Ted. Then Marcus tells Marshall he stopped by that new donut shop, Hertz Donuts, and asks him if he wants a Hertz Donut. Marshall does, so Marcus runs right in and hits Marshall, then asks, "Hurts, don't it?" Barney: "I can't believe you fell for that, bro." Marshall tells Barney that this mutual love isn't going to work and he has to call Ted.
So he does, and when he's about to tell Ted about Zoey's feelings, Ted says he has something to tell him about her first. Cut to Zoey showing up at his place to flirt and ask him for a beer. But it's only a ploy to get him to look in the fridge, which she's filled with ketchup bottles. Wasteful and not even cute. HATE. [Hey, it's the Captain's money. - Zach] But Ted's smitten, so he tells Zoey -- after interruptions in the story from both Marshall's mom and Marcus -- that he can't be her friend anymore, and he tells her she can't ask him why. She gets mopey and leaves. Ted says that was it; no more Zoey. Then Marshall's call waiting rings, and it's Lily, so he has to take it. He tells Ted he's a good guy, then answers Lily's call. She says, "We hate Ted now. Get on board or the sexting stops." Marshall, passionately: "Ted's a son of a bitch!" He gets a sext and likes it, but then tells Lily to go easy on Ted, who just ended things with Zoey. She knows, but there's more to the story than Ted's version. In the end, when he tells Zoey not to ask why, she does anyway, and Ted tells her that Lily hates her. So Zoey shows up at Lily's, all teary, "You hate me?"
After a commercial, Lily tries to tell Zoey that's crazy talk and she doesn't hate her, but Zoey says that Ted told her everything, which was "Lily hates you. She hates you so much, it's hard to be around you. So we can't be friends." Lily tells Zoey, "Oh, oh, I guess there's no use hiding it. I hate you. Bitch." But she says it all sweetly and quietly, like Lily. Zoey says she thought they were friends, and she could really use one right now, since she's been going through some pretty difficult stuff. Marshall wonders what difficult stuff, but Lily doesn't know. Marshall says she did the right thing, but Lily didn't quite, because in the end she told Zoey she doesn't hate her; Robin does. Robin beeps in on Marshall's other line, so Lily, all cheery, lets him take it.