Ba ba pa pa!
Marshall still can't get over Stella's sexual dry spell. He's got a laptop and he's decided to help the group put this into the proper context. He says the last time Stella had sex, the movie Seabiscuit had just galloped into theaters. "And our hearts," he adds. Lily says that if she went without sex for even one year, she's be out on the street, sellin' it for a nickel. Oh Lily, you big old horndog. Marshall says that the last time Stella had sex, the world was just learning about SARS. Robin asks if Stella told Ted anything else about her situation. Side-whoosh to the office. Stella is explaining that after her daughter was born, she had a hard time trusting men. She says each one she met gave her a reason not to trust. She says guys regret the girls they didn't sleep with. Girls, she says, regret the men they do sleep with. She says for the last five years, she's had no regrets. She finds Ted staring at her boobs. Ted says her boobs were staring at him first. Back at the apartment, Lily asks if it's ever going to happen with Ted and Stella. Side-whoosh back to the office, where Stella says she thinks she could do it with Ted without regrets. She says she's ready. Ted asks if she means, "Right now, right now." Apartment. Ted tells the group that Stella has arranged to have her sister babysit while they go to a nice hotel. Marshall declares that the last time Stella had sex, The Da Vinci Code had just come out. Not the movie. The book. "Wow," Robin says. Ted's worried about performance, but Lily assures him that anything he does will be fireworks. She remembers her longest dry spell. It was the summer when she and Marshall broke up and she went to San Francisco. We cut to her San Fran apartment, where she's sketching by a window. She's wearing a funky pink top and a headband. Suddenly, there's an earthquake. Lily starts to enjoy herself with the shaking of the Earth. Present-day Lily says, "Oh, San Francisco." You slut of a city! Ted thinks that expectations are going to be pretty high after five years. Marshall, meanwhile, has pulled up a list of notable deaths in 2003. He is stunned to discover the name, "Nell Carter." He didn't know. Marshall is genuinely bummed. Ted says he's going to have to bring his A-game to satisfy this woman. Robin says that's true, especially since she's dead. Wow. This may be the first, "Have sex with dead Nell Carter" joke on prime time television. Not that I'm complaining. Marshall says it's about managing expectations. He asks why he hated Jerry Maguire so much. "Because you're dead inside?" Ted asks. Marshall says that Ted built it up for two weeks and it was a letdown. Ted agrees to try to lower Stella's expectations. Marshall's phone rings. It's Barney. He wants Marshall as his wingman. Marshall says he can't; he's married. Robin's phone rings next. "No!" she answers.