How I Met Your Mother

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After the Bro-keup

Apartment. Ted greets Stella. He tells her about the elaborate date he has planned, which involves a horse-drawn carriage and the symphony. "Five years," she reminds him. Let's have sex! Now! Ted goes to get his bag. Marshall and Lily arrive. Marshall asks if Stella is looking forward to tonight. She says it's been such a long time since she's had a night out. "Yeah... we heard," Lily says. Oops! They both joke about how they can't hold out very long without a "Night out." Stella finally asks what they're talking about as they giggle. They figure out the faux pas. Lily tries to play it off and says they were talking about pizza. Ted returns to the room to find an unhappy Stella. She's upset that he told Lily and Marshall about her dry spell. Marshall pretends it's the first time they've heard it. "You haven't had sex in five years?! That is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out about right now!" It doesn't work. Awkward! We come back from commercial to find Lily and Marshall gone. Ted is trying to explain that he tells his best friends everything. He does say he's sorry, at least. Stella says it was personal and now his friends think she's a freak. She says she knows it's a little weird. She asks how many other people go without sex for five years. Quick cut to MacLaren's. "13 YEARS!?" Barney asks Randy. "I peaked really young," Randy answers. Cut back to the apartment. Stella says she thought she could trust Ted, but now she can't. She now has her reason for not sleeping with him. Ted asks if she was just looking for a reason. He says things are getting serious and that must scare her. "Good night, Ted," Stella says, and exits.

Barney is quizzing Randy in the MacLaren's booth about the three beginner's techniques for picking up a woman at a bar. Randy says they are: isolate her from her friends, repeatedly use her name in conversation, subtly put her down. "Excellent," Barney says. Time to test the techniques. Barney hangs behind Randy as they go to two women at the bar. Randy introduces himself to a woman named Haley. He repeats her name a few times and then asks her to come over with him. She does, surprisingly. He says, "Haley... you are a fat, ugly whore." She throws a drink in his face. Later, Barney is drying Randy off. Randy is apologizing. Barney says it happens to him all the time. When you anticipate it, Barney says, it's like a free drink. Two more women walk into the bar. Barney has Randy follow him this time. Barney talks to one of them and admires her koala bear brooch. She says they're adorable. Barney says that his friend Randy is an expert on koala bears in Australia. The girl is impressed. She asks what his favorite thing is about koala bears. Randy, on the spot, has to think a moment. In a horrible accent, he says, "Their meat... is delicious." The ladies turn back to the bar. Another jump forward in time. Randy apologizes to Barney again. Barney says it's all right. He says he needs to get Randy over the nervousness of talking to women. Robin has agreed to help. At the bar, she says it's because Barney threatened to put a video of them out on the Internet. She's not convinced he has such a video. Barney wonders if that's why she came all the way from Brooklyn at midnight. Randy fake-introduces himself to Robin, who is friendly. It's going well until he asks what she's doing later. Robin notices that his nose is bleeding. Randy apologizes: he says this happens whenever he gets an erection. He walks to the bathroom to wash up. It's a funny erection walk. Barney desperately tries to come up with a plan involving wrapping Randy's face up so he can't bleed or talk. Robin asks why Barney is trying so hard. She asks if Barney might not be rushing into a new wingman relationship to fill the void left by Ted. Robin thinks that Randy is Barney's Rebound Bro. Barney says what they have is real. She doesn't think that getting Randy laid will be as meaningful as getting Ted laid. Barney finally falls apart a little. "He was just so happy in the morning, you know?" he says. Randy returns, saying that the blood hasn't clotted, but that it's draining backward now. Barney, grossed out, takes Randy aside to tell him things just aren't working out. Randy says he's always letting people down. Barney, his dad, the chief. Barney finds out that Randy was briefly a police officer. He got kicked off for being a screw-up. A hot blonde nearby overhears Barney and Randy talking. She asks if Randy ever shot anybody. "Only all the time!" he answers. Barney stops Randy from sabotaging his own story. The girl says there's nothing hotter than a cop. Randy's nose bleeds. Barney attributes it to an injury sustained in the line of duty. The girl offers to take Randy to her nearby place. She'll fix him up. Randy agrees to go. They leave. Randy turns to thank Barney and the lower half of his face is covered in blood. It's gross and very funny. "I am the greatest wingman of all time," Barney declares. They clink glasses. "Ted doesn't know what he's missing," she says. Barney is near tears. "You had to mention Ted, didn't you?"

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How I Met Your Mother

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