How I Met Your Mother

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Cindy McLennan: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Unleash the Kraken

After they're gone, Ted, Lily and Marshall all fight over who will do the oh-so-hard work of dumping the porn with the rest of the trash, because, of course, they all want to watch it. Lily artfully hides a video [Titled Squat, which leads to a funny misunderstanding with Marshall. - Zach] under her jacket. Marshall does likewise. And Ted? He just tells everyone to back off. He tries to talk to his friends about the demise of Barney Stinson as they knew him, but they want to get home to watch their pilfered porn. After they're gone, Ted reads the title of one of the vids: "Archi-sex-ture." Ding ding ding. Saget!Ted narrates to his kids about how bad and vile porn is, and then current-day Ted says, with no feeling at all: "I am getting rid of this vile pornography, right away." Saget!Ted then tells us something terrible happened. Current-day Ted picks up the crate and heads toward the door, but he stumbles on the occasional chair and a video flies out of the crate, across the room, bounces off two walls, then heads back toward the living area. The box flies off, and the tape lands right in Ted's DVD/VCR combo and it automatically turns on. Ted is saying, "Oh, no," throughout these unforeseen events, including his own plop on the couch. Then the "Archi-sex-ture" title card flashes across the screen, and Ted sits up straight, with a big smile on his face. No porn for Ted, though. Instead, he's watching video of Barney, telling him that if he's in possession of this tape (the one he knew Ted would pick) either Barney is dead, or he's in a committed relationship. If he's dead, video-Barney would like Ted to give him the Weekend At Bernie's treatment: dancing, sex, and fishing in the Hamptons. If he's in a relationship, video-Barney makes his plea. "For the love of God, get me out of it!"

Theme song!

After the bah pah buhs, Ted re-watches the video with Marshall and Lily. Video-Barney insists that he's meant to be single, gets in a cut (to Marshall) about being Ted's real best friend, then approaches the girl waiting in his bed, in case Ted was hoping for some real porn. Ted and Marshall would rather not. I wish I could say the same for Lily. They discuss whether or not they should take it seriously. Lily says, "Of course not." Barney and Robin are happy, but then Saget!Ted narrates that over the next few weeks, he started to notice that Barney and Robin stopped having crazy adventures. For example, when they couldn't decide between a concert and a party, they just stayed in and watched a movie. Later, at the bar, Barney says, "It was legend...wait for it...S of the Fall. ...It was okay." And later still, Barney won't act as Ted's wingman when he needs some help "landing the plane." I should note that during this, Barney's slight pot belly has been replaced by a full-on fatsuit. And man, it's terrible. I'm ashamed to admit that although it's occurred to me before, I didn't think of the politics of the fatsuit when I was watching this episode. Reading the forums brought it to mind. I was just pissed because Neil Patrick Harris is such an all-in actor, and the fatsuit hid most of his glorious facial expressions. Feh. Now that I've been radicalized, or whatever, I have decided I'm not getting deeply into the Barney-is-so-fat jokes. Suffice it to say he's busy with chicken wings when Ted needs a wingman. And Robin looks like she hasn't showered in a month or washed her face in two. In short, they're physically repulsive. And maybe it's contrary to fat-acceptance politics to state so, and so plainly, but to me, what's really objectionable is that at the end of the day, all NPH has to do is shed some silicone make-up and padding and he's back in fighting form. On top of that, Robin covers her ears and chants "Shut up, shut up, shut up," every time Fatsuit Barney says anything. But the worse they got, the more they insisted everything was fine. Saget!Ted breaks the fourth wall to tell us that although the couple only let themselves go a little, he saw them as a big fat man, and an old haggard woman. See, isn't it funny to laugh at fat and aging? Ahhahaha. Ptui. Let us speak of it no more.

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How I Met Your Mother

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