Ted, sitting with Vanessa "Ashlee" Minnillo, says he's testing a theory. He tells her he doesn't want a relationship, he just wants to hook up and not call her afterward. She says she's in. Barney emerges from the floor, having just sucked on a navel. He and Ted exchange, "No tomorrow"s. Ashlee says she likes that because if there is a tomorrow, she's in big trouble: she's married. She kisses Ted, who is suddenly stunned.
Lily is in the tilty apartment, having gone back to skeptical from her previous state of fear. Marshall assures her that the ghost is friendly. Lily suspects this Confederate general might be racist. Marshall says he had courtly Southern manners. Can we dispense of this ghost thing already? It was old before the commercial break. Undead, even. Lily doesn't want her kids raised by a racist ghost. Oh, that would be the best sitcom ever! Marshall says the guy was just fighting for states' rights. Robin stops the madness: "The apartment is crooked!" she says. Lily suddenly notices. She starts freaking out about the mortgage and the crooked floor. She cries. Marshall holds her. Nice one, Robin. She asks how a racist ghost is better than crooked. She keeps talking, but it's just empty dialogue in a fizzling plotline.
The almost-lesbian nightclub. Ted is moving around and bumps into a very attractive brunette whom I suppose we're supposed to think is The Mother. Ted says he's sorry. She says that's all right. I wouldn't mind if it were her one bit. That's one mom I'd like to... recognize as the fulcrum of this show! Ted approaches Barney with doubts about the theory. Barney says if you want to know the age of a woman, check her elbows. Or her hands. Or her neck. Sorry, ladies. For men, you can look at our hairlines and sagging balls. If you're into that, I mean. Wrong theory. Ted reveals that the girl he likes his married. Barney offers some "Premium '91 Octane knowledge." The three rules of cheating: it's not cheating if you're not the one who's married. It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels (yay, Paola!) and it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. I may have also heard the expression, "Eatin' ain't cheatin'." Do with that what you will. Ted asks about the area code thing. "She's 516," Barney says, "she might dress like she's 718, act like she's 212, but trust me, she's 516." Enjoy that one, East Coasters. Barney blames the husband for letting his wife out on this holiday. "If that's not 973, I'm 307," Barney says. He reveals that 307 is Wyoming.