When we return, Ted is still shocked about the husband. Robin confirms that they were married at, and broke up at, a mall. And is she divorced? She says she's not -- the guy moved to Hong Kong for business, and she figured that was "good enough." Ted thinks this does not qualify as "good enough." Robin protests that it's not like she ever sees the guy. Unhappy but theoretically forced to be grateful for the truth, Ted promises not to tell anyone.
Which: not so much, since we next see Marshall at MacLaren's unleashing a wicked slap that throws Barney against the bar. "Your hand is monstrous," Barney complains. "Well, what would you expect? You've seen my penis," Marshall says calmly and seriously. In the booth, Ted is chided for sharing the secret until he points out that Lily begged him to. She denies it. Fffoom! "Please please please please..." Fffoom! You get the idea. Ted tells his friends that now, with her married and everything, he's Robin's mistress. Or "mastress." Ted isn't sure whether to ask her to get a divorce, but Lily insists that Canadian marriages don't count. Marshall says that he can look it up at school, but in some countries, separation of a long enough period will dissolve a marriage. Marshall then pauses to chuckle and note that he can see his handprint on Barney's face. "Don't get too cocky, Slappy," Barney says, insisting that he will be reviewing a lot of Canadian porn just in case Robin is married and a porn star. Lily thinks he'll be reviewing the Canadian porn just for pleasure, but Barney says it's not that pleasurable: "Their universal health-care system doesn't cover breast implants." He adds, "If I have to sit through one more flat-chested Nova Scotian riding a Mountie on the back of a Zamboni, I'll go oooot of my mind." Thus did Barney broadly insult Canadians, women with small chests, Nova Scotia, the police, and hockey fans, all at once. Well, and I guess he also insulted Canadian porn enthusiasts.
Later, Marshall arrives at the apartment and tells Ted he has news. He's done a records search, and it doesn't appear that Robin was ever married after all. He wants Ted not to tell Barney, for obvious reasons related to not getting slapped. Marshall notes that Robin does have a lot of parking tickets. I'm thinking that's not the secret. Ted feels like he can't confront Robin without revealing that he told Marshall, so Marshall tells him to "lawyer" Robin about it, just to drag it out of her.
So Ted and Robin are in the apartment, and Ted is raving about how much he appreciates Robin's being so darn honest. He's loving the honesty! The honesty is GREAT. Robin isn't biting. Ted decides to press her for details, hoping to trip her up. But she can name every detail -- where the wedding was, what they ate, what the music was, the size of the wedding party, the color scheme -- everything but her husband's name, which trips her up completely. Seizing on her freezing, Ted jumps up and is all, "You were never married!" She's busted, but she manages to catch him on the fact that he leaked the information to Marshall and had Marshall look it up at school. This, of course, means that he didn't keep her secret -- which, as he points out, wasn't a real secret anyway. She rails at him for failing what she claims was a "test," and she says that now, he'll never know the real secret. "And it's good, too," she says ominously. "No wonder your fake husband moved to Hong Kong!" Ted hollers. "He moved there for business!" she barks back. Poor fake husband, trapped in the middle. Don't drag poor fake husband into this!