Booth. Marshall and Lily. Barney approaches with a somber air. He knows Robin wasn't married. How, Marshall wonders, could Barney know that? Fffoom! In bed, Marshall tells Lily all about his day, including the fact that Robin wasn't married. Fffoom! In the booth, Lily says that she couldn't keep it a secret, since she's the Slap Bet Commissioner. "Believe me, this hurts me more than it's going to hurt you," she says. Barney begs to differ. "Don't count on it," he says. "I've been practicing on a tree trunk." Reluctantly, Lily announces that Barney is entitled to three slaps. "One because you lied, and two for being prematurely slapped." And Barney takes his three slaps. I'm assuming Neil Patrick Harris is not actually whaling on Jason Segel's face here, but he sure as hell looks like he is. "Oh my God," he chuckles when it's over. "Are you going to cry?" Marshall pauses, still holding his cheek. "No," he says through tears. "You're gonna cry." Poor Marshall. He needs a hankie.
We return to Ted and Robin at the apartment, still doing the Keep Secrets Or Don't dance. He thinks she shouldn't be so secretive; she swears she's already shared more with him than with anyone else, so she wants him to just drop this one thing this one time. Just then, Barney and Marshall and Lily come busting through the door, and Barney is bringing news: he knows her secret. And he knows her name..."Robin Sparkles." Robin steps back. "How do you know that name?" she asks nervously. Barney opens a laptop and tells her she's about to be exposed, but Ted tells Barney they're not intruding on Robin's privacy -- if she wants it to be a secret, it will remain so. Barney, having none of this "compassion for others" business, scoffs and explains that he found a guy on the internet in Malaysia who is a big Robin Sparkles fan, who will be streaming a video on MySpace in just a moment. And then, he will undoubtedly be running to the Robin Sparkles thread at ObscureCanadians.com to plug it. "Robin's world is about to be turned upside-down," Barney says. "I mean, I'm guessing." Barney says they'll only watch enough to prove he was right (about the porn). Ted tries again to stop him, but Robin finally gives in and says "it's time." "There's no point in trying to hide it," she says. Lily and Marshall agree that they're afraid -- she's afraid generally, and he's afraid of getting hit.
Robin protests that she was young. (Barney: "YEAH you were.") She didn't know any better! (Barney: "They never do.") It started with modeling! (Barney: "It always does.") So let's go to the videotape. In a schoolgirl outfit and a ratty blonde wig, Robin begs a "teacher" for forgiveness for being a "bad girl." She'll do anything, in fact, to make it up to him. Satisfied that this can only mean porn, porn, porn, Barney stops it on account of "Robin's dignity." Then, declaring it "slap o'clock," he turns and smacks an unprepared Marshall in the face. Robin doesn't get it, so Barney explains how there was this bet that she did porn. Robin tells them that it isn't porn -- it's actually worse than porn.