Saget!Ted narrates: "And here it is, kids, the only fight I've ever been in." Current-day Ted sets his sights on Dough. The camera zooms in for an extra tight shot of his face. Marshall, Robin and Lily look on -- realizing Doug's pushed Ted one step too far. Saget!Ted continues, "So what can I share about the experience?" In slow motion, Ted winds up and delivers a right hook to Dough's doughy dough-hole. "Well, for starters, when you punch someone in the face -- it hurts your hand. A lot." Still in still motion, we see Ted reel back from his punch, his mouth wide open, as if he's screaming in pain. "But you know what hurts even more than that?" We see Dough punching Ted. "This." We hear Doug's blow reach its target. The screen goes black.
The next thing Ted remembers is waking up. Barney comes running into the alley, after the danger has passed, claiming he's all warmed up and ready to do this thing. I don't think Robin's going to buy that after he went screaming away like a toddler. Sock aside, she never was one for babies. The next day, Ted, with a beautiful shiner, lectures Lily's kindergarten the next day about how fighting is bad and, "You shouldn't do it. Ever." The kids, who are less sweet than real-world kindergarteners, are sure Lily does all her friend-shopping at the wuss market and resort, once again, to fisticuffs.
Saget!Ted notes he didn't tell those kids what really happened. The second rule of Fight Club is: you do not talk about Fight Club. When Ted woke up and Barney came running back, Dough was lying flat on the ground, unconscious. For a moment, I think he's wearing a halo, but it's just CBS's eye logo. Ha. Barney asks what happens. Marshall holds up Doug's rug. "This happened."
Ted stands. "Holy crap."
Saget!Ted tells the kids, "It turns out Uncle Marshall and his brothers did a little more than roughhouse." Flashback to Minnesota. As The Foreskin's "Murder Train" plays in the background, we see the Eriksen rumpus room doubles as Fight Club, and cocoa break doesn't involve little sips of velvety, soothing nectar, but rather getting doused in the face with a steaming cup full of the burning liquid. The house is a wreck, and Marshall pummels the hell out of his brother, until we return to the present day. Robin gets all googly-eyed again and confides in Lily that Marshall looks good. She asks if he's lost weight. Lily bobs her head. "Bitch? Don't even." Ha! And yeah, no shit, Robin. He looks so good because he cut his hair. Thank you, Jason.