Which brings us back to sea, where the Captain is showing Ted just how far out and isolated they are by screaming that he's trapped at sea with a madman and showing Ted the lack of response. Then he laughs because it's all a fun joke. Then he gets serious and tells Ted he notices he's been spending a lot of time with Zoey. Ted screams for help internally.
MacLaren's. Barney's chowing down on some onion rings when Lily comes back and says: "Seriously? I step away for five seconds and you eat all my onion rings? No surprise there." Barney asks what that means; is she calling him fat? He cries, "If there is one thing you never do, it's call a woman fat right to her face." Astute Saget!Ted realizes Barney's not a woman, and then remembers that it wasn't Barney hurt by Lily, but Lily hurt by Barney. Cut back to Lily asking Barney to hang and him replying "Nah." Lily: GASP! Then Barney saves Lily and her ice cream come from getting hit by a motorcycle. Then she's the one who cries that if there's one thing you never do, it's call a woman fat to her face. Saget!Ted tells his bored kids he's on track now and this should all make sense. (Warning: Don't count on it.) Back at MacLaren's, Barney tells her he's sorry, then asks if she wants to see a magic trick. He sets a beer bottle in the air in front of her, where it levitates, which makes no sense. Which Saget!Ted admits. He says he'll never remember this story, and "I'm sorry for wasting your time." Then stop now, please. Please?
On the boat, Ted's using his phone and asks what their exact nautical coordinates are, when the Captain hits Ted's phone into the water with his harpoon (that's right; I said "harpoon"). The Captain tells Ted his phone's gone forever, then goes through the pain and misery the phone is going through as it falls to its icy resting place on the bottom of the ocean, where no one will ever find it. "Can you hear me now? No, because you're on the bottom of the sea." Ted says he has a busy morning, but the Captain says he has something for him and heads into the house part of the boat. (What? I don't know anything about boats.) Ted gets up on the ledge, realizing he's going to have to swim for his life (in the freezing water), when the Captain returns with Scotch, which Zoey told him was Ted's favorite, so he bought this special. Saget!Ted says that just as he realized he wasn't in danger, they hit a bump. Splash! The Captain: "Ted?"
Marshall and Robin are still at the most boring dinner in the history of the world. And they are still talking about the Mermaid Theory. She doesn't believe she'll go from being manatee to mermaid, but he says it always happens. She asks if there's a way to un-mermaid her if it does happen, and he says he asked Barney the same thing. Cut to that conversation. Barney says that once mermaidified, there's only one way for a woman to go back to manatee city ("where the grass ain't green and the girls ain't pretty"), and it's pretty gruesome. Marshall guesses death, but it's pregnancy. Then Marshall spells it out for Robin: "Once a mermaid gets pregnant, she becomes a manatee again. I never thought I'd say that sentence."