How I Met Your Mother

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Get Back Home, Loretta

Cut to the kitchen where Lily and Marshall are now helping Loretta with dinner. She must have tired out Margaret. Loretta, dear, if you need that much help making meatloaf, UR DOIN IT WRONG. Call Boston Market for take-out, there are plenty near you. And Barney's loaded; you can stick him with the tab. Lily and Marshall are making awkward small talk with Loretta about what a great mom she is. Who does this with someone whose home they've just invaded? Good thing they're so cute. Loretta admits she wasn't the best mother when she was younger. When Marshall pooh-poohs this, Loretta off-handedly says, "Yeah, I was a bit of a whore," which explains so much -- don't you think? Lily does a double-take and says, "Excuse me?" Loretta replies, "A whore, dear. A dirty whore. I'm not proud of it, but still, I had some fun." Lily is trying to keep her eyeballs from popping out and landing into the over-mixed meatloaf. Loretta adds, "There is no thrill equal to looking into some guy's eyes and thinking, 'I don't know your name, you don't know mine, but for the next eight minutes we are gonna rock this gas station bathroom' -- Gas station bathroom? Unclean, unclean! -- 'right off its foundation and then just drive off in opposite directions.'" She looks off. "Just keep driving." And right here and now, I'd like to personally thank my friends' mothers for never, ever telling me about their rampant promiscuity. Er... not that my friends' mothers are dirty whores, because they're not, I don't think, and if they are, please don't tell me. Marshall breaks her reverie, and then she adds that's all in her past now, she just wonders how Barney turned out to be so perfect. Oh, he's perfect, all right. The perfect apple nestled atop a root from your very own tree, Loretta.

Cut to the living room: Marshall and Lily try to convince Barney to be honest with his mom. Barney's afraid the truth will kill her, but Marshall hates to lie to such a kind-hearted woman, who reminds him of his own mother. Lily scoffs at the idea of Judy Eriksen being kind-hearted, and after Marshall reassures her that she can be totally honest with him, she admits that she hates his mother. Marshall yells, "Well, guess what? I hate you!" Hee. Just then, Loretta comes in and gives the 2 minute warning for meatloaf. From the couch, Grant says, "Tyler no likey!" Yeah, no, we don't have to keep him on the show. This show does not need kids. Barney reminds Grant that he is not getting a catch phrase, tells him he's not afraid to recast, and hands him a script to memorize for the "big dinner scene." Robin wants to know what's up with scripting the dinner conversation. Barney explains that it's just stuff that will make his mom happy. He's a very good son, in the most horrible sort of way, isn't he?

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How I Met Your Mother

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