Barney is in a tizzy trying to figure out how he's going to explain any of this to his mother. Lily suggests it's time to tell his mother the truth. Marshall's still angry about Lily's earlier admission. "I don't know, Lily. Sometimes, honesty leads people to say mean things about a woman who always took special care of me because I was the runt of the family." Realizing his friends are looking (up) at him, Marshall adds, "For crying out loud, I'm only six-four!" He storms out of the kitchen and we SIDEWAYS SLIDE to...
The front porch: Grant is reveling in his big emotional moment. Robin reminds him that even though he hates the gig, he loves his craft. He says maybe that's how it will be for Robin at her new job. She thanks him, tells him he's pretty smart, and gives him a friendly squeeze. When she pulls away, he lifts his head and puckers his lips, just waiting for a big smoocheroo. Robin yells, "Whoa, whoa," and Grant remembers himself. Waving his hand, he says, "Sorry. Sorry. Thought I was picking up on something." Remember where I said he's supposed to be six? Yeah. Right.
Cut to Loretta's living room. Barney walks in, and she asks him if he's okay. He tells her there's something he should have told her a long time ago, and then says, "Tyler is dying, and Betty said when he goes, she's going to off herself. So that's probably all gonna go down pretty soon." He stops himself, though, once he realizes how he's alarmed Loretta, and comes clean about hiring Margaret and Grant to play his family, saying that he just wanted her to think he had the life she wanted for him -- that he wanted her to be proud of him.
Loretta's reaction? "So Betty is not your wife? Thank God! I do not like that woman. (...) And Tyler -- I know I'm his grandma and I'm supposed to love him, but I hate that kid. 'Tyler no likey'! What the hell is that?" Barney agrees, so she adds, "Those fake friends of yours out there? I just wanted to shoot myself."Barney holds up a finger as if to say wait a minute then thinks better of it. "I know, aren't they horrible?" Heh, baby steps then, I guess. And yeah, they can be horrible sometimes, I suppose. Especially Ted and Lily -- but they're not professionals at horribility. Ahem.
Barney makes sure Loretta's okay with this. She's just confused about why he'd think he had to do something like this for her sake. She loves him no matter what. Barney confesses that he's as far from married as is possible and says, "My history with women would shock and appall you." He gives her some blurry water-colored details, so she finally stops him by saying, "Barney, when you were three, I left you with a babysitter and spent three weeks with Grand Funk Railroad, being passed around like a bong." Barney reels back and says, "Mommy," and I silently bless my mother for being relatively boring. Loretta asks him to do her a favor. "If you ever do meet someone special, don't run away from it. Don't be me. Take a shot at it, will you?" And right then, who should open the door and announce their cab is there, but Ted. Barney runs to him, and they make out. No! That's not it. It is, of course, Robin who announces the arrival of their cab. Barney looks after her as she walks off the porch, then turns to his mother and says, "I'll try."