Robin wants to know if someone hot played her, but Ted says she's not in it. She thinks Tony's a jerk, but Ted says he's not -- at least according to the movie. Cut back to it, this time with FauxStella telling FauxTony (Jason Lewis) she's going through with the wedding. He says her happiness is all he cares about. Except for the underprivileged children he works with for free. The movie audience moans, and Royce says she loves him. FauxStella points out all the bad about Jed as Ted disagrees audibly in the audience to the point that Royce asks him what he's saying. He pretends nothing, but wouldn't it just be easier to actually say nothing? Back at McLaren's, Ted says it was a terrible movie that got everything wrong. He reminds them of his real-life proposal with a crane-machine toy in the mall. Cut the movie's version: They're in an arcade, and he says they can get married if it will shut her up, but there's no ring. Instead, he steals a toy from an underprivileged kid and gives it to her. And the movie turns their cute two-minute date into him canceling a big, romantic weekend into a two-minute date, which in this case just means sex. Marshall says that if you know what you're doing, two minutes is all you need. Lily: "Run tell dat," and they high-five.
Ted says the worst part was the wedding. Cut to the movie wedding, where they're saying their vows. Marshall interrupts, with "Woah! Spoilers!" But pretends he's just pretending to be a person who cares to see the movie. Back to the movie. FauxTony runs in with an underprivileged kid and interrupts the wedding to say he let this beautiful girl get away, and now she's with a jerk who doesn't appreciate his wedding bride. The audience oohs and ahhs. Chris Kattan says FauxTony can't do this to Ted Mosely, and real Ted notices he said "Ted" that time. Royce shushes him. FauxTony and FauxStella profess their love, and he asks her to be his wedding bride. The audience chants and cheers. Chris Kattan protests until the underprivileged kid kicks him in the balls. "The End" of The Wedding Bride. Ted's totally pissed, but Royce loved it so much. She was laughing and crying and felt like it was totally real. She asks him why he said "Oh no" when the movie started. That's when Ted sees his own baggage: a giant trunk is sitting next to him with "LEFT AT THE ALTAR" written on it. But he tells her, "Oh, no reason."
At McLaren's, Lily tells Ted he has to tell Royce the story, because it will come out eventually. He wonders why, and Robin -- searching on her phone -- says it's now the fifth-highest-grossing film of all time. Ted says it sucks, and they all agree and say they'd never see it. Saget!Ted knows we, his kids, know where it's going. Cut to the gang at the movie, watching as FauxTony and Chris Kattan face off. FauxTony doesn't want to go to the wedding, but Chris Kattan says he's going to go and make him watch. He laughs evilly, and Barney, totally engrossed, says they got everything right. This is exactly how it happened!