The year is 2030. We all have already seen Cloverfield and hated it. The Cubs still haven't won a World Series. Madame Jenna Bush Jr. is finishing up her second term as president. And SagetTed is explaining to his kids that back in 2007, it seemed like everyone belonged to something silly called "gyms." Wow, my wife and I were just talking about canceling our membership and going over the top with our bodies and just not caring. (We might even wave our hands in the air.) Glad to see that in the future, we might look as slender as SagetTed's kids without the manual labor. We cut to an establishing shot of "FitNYs" as SagetTed explains that people in the past used to pay money to run around and lift things. He says people fell for it, including poor Ted, when he had a moment of realization about not being in shape.
At the apartment, Ted has a pizza arriving. Wearing his very 2006-2007 treated jeans, Ted tells the guy to wait at the door so he can run to his bedroom and grab his wallet. Ted gets back to the door completely winded. "Whoo!" he says. Whoo to you, Ted. Whoo to you. Ted says it's further than it looks to get to the bedroom. He remembers he left a coupon there, but decides not to expend the effort to go get it. "Please don't judge me," he tells the pizza guy. Because a New York City pizza delivery guy has never seen an out-of-shape person. We cut to MacLaren's where Ted is telling the story to Barney and adding that he then shame-ate the whole pizza. He says he woke up greasy and sweaty and that his sheets looked like the paper they wrap sandwiches in at the deli. That's actually what all of Kid Rock's clothes look like on the inside, too. Ted wonders if he should join a gym. He asks if Barney goes to one. Barney, drinking his Scotch, says he goes to Total Rip Fitness, but he doesn't work out there; he invests.
This must be a great story because Barney holds off on finishing it until he can get Ted to his gym. We cut to gym, where Barney is shooting off compliments to Cheryl, one of his investments. Ted asks if Barney's investments are women. They are, but a certain kind of woman. Barney tries to put it delicately: "They fat!" he tells Ted. Barney gives these women attention when they're large so that when they get hot, he's the first person they run to. Barney points to his temple. It's a thinking man's temple. Ted can't decide whether to be disgusted or impressed. Be imprugsted. Barney says more quietly that not all of his investments pay dividends. He points out a girl named Tonya at the vending machines. Barney says she's one Kit-Kat away from junk bond status. A very hot woman in tight red gymwear walks by and says hi to Barney. He compliments her as she walks by. Barney says that this investment is about to pay off. He looks down toward his groin and predicts aggressive growth in his future. "What up?" Barney says, raising the hand up for dap. We don't get to see whether dap is actually exchanged, which is a shame. I like to follow the dap trade market.