How I Met Your Mother

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Third Wheel

The Year 2030. SagetTed's kids are on the couch, looking a little less engaged than usual. He tells them that he knows they think they've heard all the stories from before he met their mother. Oh, you poor children. There's at least two or three seasons to go before we get there. Strap in, young ones. He says there are some stories you tell, and some stories you don't tell. Here's one he probably didn't.

We see 2007 Ted in the bathroom at MacLaren's. He's on the phone and freaking out. "Oh my God," he says, out of breath. Barney, upstairs in the apartment and on the other end of the phone conversation, advises Ted to use his words. Ted says he's about to go for the belt. Did someone misbehave? "The belt," Ted confirms to an incredulous Barney. Barney says Ted was just upstairs less than a half hour ago. Marshall, holding a jug of Gatorade, walks up to Barney.

Title card: "less than half an hour ago." Barney and Ted are playing Wii Tennis about six months too late. Or it's some Wii tennis game. Something that has Wimbledon in it. Barney makes a high pitched grunt as he swings. Marshall is a little more guttural with his swing. Marshall wins a point. Barney tells him not to get cocky. What, no joke there? Barney tells him that Wimbledon lasts a whole fortnight. Marshall likes British words. He also likes that British lawyers get to wear wigs to work. Ted, suited up, is ready to go somewhere. Barney and Marshall beg off because they're playing their tennis game. Barney complains that Ted took too long. Ted says he has that just-rolled-out-of bed hair look. Marshall says that look takes Ted an hour and a half of waxing, tugging and teasing. Barney adds that Ted then starts with his hair. Ted offers to go downstairs and order three beers and meet them there in five minutes. They tell him to go.

Robin and Lily come out of the other bedroom. Robin, who didn't say bye to Ted, is wearing a pretty hot blue dress and some tall boots. Lily's dress is even tighter and shorter. She's got tall boots, too. Lily tells Robin about a crazy footwear frenzy sale. We cut to that scene and, indeed, women are losing their shit over shoes. This is how I was the day the Wii came out. Lily is tugging on a boot, yelling, "Ehhh, I saw it first!" She falls. Lily yells at the lady she was fighting with, "You just made the list, bitch!" We cut back to the apartment. Barney asks what would happen if a guy walked into a store like that wearing a suit of boots. Lily compliments Robin's boots. She asks if they aren't a little high for that dress. Robin says it's to hide her unshaven legs. She's instituting a no-shaving-for-three-dates policy. She says it's about self control. Barney says it doesn't matter; a guy wants to get to the green and he doesn't mind going through the rough. So true. Marshall scores a point with a mighty, "Shh-cracky!" Barney answers his phone. It's Ted, downstairs with the beers. Barney tells him they're not going to make it. Can't he just take the beers back upstairs? Ted asks if Marshall took his pants off. He did. Marshall says he needs the freedom and mobility that only underwear can provide. He bids Ted, "Cheerio."

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How I Met Your Mother




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