"'Dear Ted, Robin is the perfect girl for you, but she doesn't want to be in a serious relationship. You need someone who wants to settle down, so until Robin's ready for that next step, she's not your girl.'" Barney looks up at Ted, whose voice grows more wistful. "'Still, I always remember stealing her the blue French horn, our first kiss, the look in her eye when she told me she loved me.'" A beat. "Damn it. Now I want her back." Barney hands him the bottle of Jack. Bitches saved none for me. Commercial.
Ted and Barney get trashed. Their conversation is full of gems such as, "I stole her a blue French horn," and "I just want to have sex with her at least one more time." Can you guess who said what? Although they argue over who Robin belongs to, Ted realizes she's not either of theirs. She belongs to Don -- or, you know, herself, but heaven forfend that's mentioned even once in the episode. Barney: "We have to get rid of that guy.... Figuratively. Or literally." The boys exchange glances and then Barney curls up in Ted's arms. "Oh my God, Ted, this is how it starts. This is how it starts. I'm scared, Ted." Ted: "Shhhh. Just two guys talkin'. It's just two guys talkin'."
Dowisetrepla: Lily is afraid their separate beds are a sign that they're heading for divorce court. Marshall tells her that that's Don, not them. "Our new sleeping arrangement will only bring us closer together.... Now get out of my bed." Lily: "Can we at least push 'em together?" Marshall smiles. His eyes open wide. "Sure." Lily starts to pull her bed toward Marshall's. When he realizes what she's doing, he says, "Oh, you meant the beds. No. I don't want to do that." He loves her more than life itself, but she's a million degrees. "Honestly, I'm surprised your hourly pee breaks aren't just steam." Lily tells him he's no picnic in bed either -- except for the food and the ants -- but she still wants to be next to him. Marshall discloses how handsy and violent Lily can get in her sleep. "I swear, it's like spooning with the Hindu deity, Ganesh." Hee. Lily crosses her arms across her chest. Her growling voice escapes from barely open lips. "Wanna push 'em together?" Marshall: "You still talking about the beds?" Lily: "Nope." Marshall: "Get over here." She jumps atop him. Dirty kids.
Ted's Apartment: Drunken Ted and Barney argue about whether Robin will be Robin Stinson or Robin Mosby. Drunk Ted is even ready to be Ted Scherbatsky. Barney proposes that they share her. He'll take her until she's 40. With a cringe, he adds, "You can have her after that." Ted says they just need to accept that she's with Don and move on. Barney says Ted is right, and then takes ten minutes to tell him he's going to use the bathroom. Sober actors are so funny when playing drunk, except for how they're totally not. Someone save me, please.