Robin's place. Everybody's watching soccer on her old TV. She tries to throw down some rules, but calls them guides for harmonious living. She says the sink is not for peeing. She says, randomly, "GFHL." Global Fantasy Hockey League? She is Canadian. Oh, right. "Guidelines For Harmonious Living." She says pot is illegal here, even when baked into a blueberry muffin that she ate before work. She tells a long story about talking about her weird hand on the air. This is...not so funny. Everybody in the living room cheers, but not for Robin. I agree with them. Robin goes to take a nap. Is this scene over yet?
Cab ride. Barney pretends to admire the city lights. Ted, annoyed, tries to tell the cabbie where to go. Barney tries to play it off. He says Ted's been watching too many "Steinfeld" reruns. Ha. "Steinfeld." Nice. My dad sometimes says "Strimp" instead of "Shrimp." But I love him! (Holding back a tear.) That's my dad! Barney tries to get Ted to relax when he balks at going to a party in South Bronx at night. Cut to...sirens.
They got mugged. Ted got all his money stolen. Barney was only carrying traveler's checks.
Apartment. Marshall is still annoyed about the letter. Lily fires back about Marshall opening up the letter. She has a good excuse for what she wrote. She says she can't bear the thought of being without Marshall, even for a letter. She also thinks Marshall's just going to open it up again. He promises not to. Marshall asks her to slip in some dirty stuff. She offers to make it all dirty with a little bit of clean. He asks her to put in some Polaroids.
South Bronx. Ted wants to go home. Barney insists they've hit the jackpot and are due for some "Thank God We're Alive Sex." Ted agrees to stick it out. The girls are good to go. They want to go back to their place to celebrate being alive. Barney asks where they live. "West Orange," one of them says. That's in...New Jersey, it turns out. I did not know that. Sars! Help! Ted keeps repeating that they live in New Jersey. One of the girls says that it's pretty much New York. "Oh, no. No, no..." Ted begins. Barney smells a rant coming. Ted says they're not pretty-much New Yorkers. They ask how he knows. "Because I live here!" he says. He admits, unapologetically, that they lied about being tourists. He says what's worse is saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. He says this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. He tells them to crawl in the open sewer pipe they call the Holland Tunnel and flush themselves back to "Pretty much New York." Ted says he'll do a lot to get laid. "But I am not going to New Jersey!" Oh, my poor Red States. This is almost like when someone says they're from Austin, but they really live in Round Rock. Almost. Barney pretends to be shocked. He tries to put his arms around the girls, but they slink off. The cops are going to give them a ride. Ted asks if they can ride, too. "Newark. Born and raised," one of the cops says. Hey, I bet that's in New Jersey, too!