Future Ted is talking about matters of the heart, and we're treated to everyone getting their hearts checked because of Marshall's dad's passing. Well, everyone except Barney who thinks he's clean living, with his multiple sex partners, drinking binges and three hours of sleep a night. I suppose that's clean living by Charlie Sheen standards.
Robin wants a dog, but Ted doesn't want to take care of it. Marshall believes she's just substituting a pet for a man because everyone's all coupled up except for her. Barney tells Marshall (aka Big Fudge) to hold the phone, as he's only on his second date with Nora and only has "penis feelings for her." We learn some of Barney's "Only one Rules": "If you are gonna get it on in a porta potty, do it early in the day"; "Never screw over a girl whose last name ends in a vowel… because she's got brothers"; "Never date a girl with a hook for a hand."; "Never go out with the same girl more than once." All of these rules have the same exception, the nevers are allowed to happen again, so long as the girl is hot. Aaaargh.
Barney gets sick just in time for his first date, and can't even get out his jokes about being in bed. He does get Nora back to his place, but mostly so she can take care of him with chicken soup, a Neti pot and soothing violin music. Robin brings home Nate "Scooby" Scooberman, who is a total dude bro. While Big Fudge and Ted pick on Robin's terrible choice of male companion, Barney begs Lily to come with him to the cardiologist. She agrees, so long as he promises not to lie to Nora. Once there the doctor tells him he has to wear a monitor to test for a possible arrhythmia. He thinks it will ruin his date, because now he can't connect himself to a car battery. I don't even want to know.
The next day he gets the results (while cowering on Lily's lap). She questions him about his irregularities, they happened to occur when Nora mentions the possibility of getting married in the future. When Lily finds out that Barney lied that he wants that too, she hits him in the face! Not quite as good as a slap bet slap, but not bad.
Scooby has a problem with squirrels and tomatoes and gardening. Marshall and Ted say that Scooby has the mannerisms of a dog. He likes to stick his head out of cab windows and catch frisbees in his mouth. Plenty of dog puns ensue. Turns out he's from Labrador, Canada. While Scooby chases after Robin's keys, Barney and Nora drop by the bar so Nora can talk about what a romantic guy Barney is. He wants a big family and a house with ivy on it. When she walks away, Lily punches him in the stomach. According to the doc, this causes a 14-second cardiac arrest. Lily is mighty impressed with herself.
Back at the bar, Barney explains that they all have to be nice to him and make him look good in front of Nora or he'll blackmail them with the dirt he has on them. I mostly want to know more about Robin's Mr. T. dream. Does she pity the fool? Ted owns up being an N'Sync fan and taking ballet, but caves when Barney mentions the word "Thermos." Is that their safe word or something? Nora returns, with tales of Scooby's fascination with the records flipping in the jukebox. They all lie to Nora that Barney's a great guy who doesn't go to strip clubs. Another "only one rule": "Never meet a girl's parents." Not even if the mom is hot. But yet, Barney is game to go out with Mom and Dad and Nora the next day. The suspiciously happy couple disappears and then Robin has to go back to work, but Ted gets stuck taking care of her new pet. Turns out Scooby bought a big old bag of Scooby snacks in the park and wants to share with the gang. OK, it's pot, but as usual this show tries to sell it as sandwiches, so why not call them Scooby snacks?
While high, Marshall explains the calzone thing -- basically he ate a calzone after it fell on the sidewalk. Scooby ate the whole tray of brownies and has escaped from the apartment. On their walk home, Barney drops Nora off and then reveals that he was lying about getting married and just wants to get in her pants. This earns him a slap from Nora, Lily and the cardiologist.
Back at Ted's, they find Scooby's wallet and worry that he has no ID. The gang eats calzones and scour the streets looking for him. They end up finding him, only to see him nearly get hit by a car. Back at the cardiologist's, the doc thinks Barney will live a long life, so long as he avoids getting stabbed. Lily thinks that he wants to get married and settle down. The cardiologist reveals that his heart actually skipped a beat when he saw Nora (gag!). So he tracks Nora and her parents down so they can be confused about the future together… and see him perform some magic. Or that's what he wishes he could do, but he's too chicken and just stares at her longingly from the doorway before walking away.
End tag: We see Marshall with the calzone in 2006, and how Barney saw him eat it off the street. Kind of a letdown, actually. I'd rather have learned about the Thermos.