Lily's School Break Room: (see the "Please keep sink area clean" note behind Shelly? Hee.) Shelly apologizes for standing up Ted. It's just that she got to MacLaren's about an hour early and met the most amazing guy. His name? Lorenzo Von Matterhorn, which will eventually lead us to the next play. But first, we take a pit stop at Barney's apartment. When he opens the door, Lily growls: "You sonofabitch!" [Imagine "sonofabitch" spoken really fast and with a slight Italian accent. This is the correct pronunciation every time it is spoken this episode. - Z] Commercial. After the break, we're back in current time at MacLaren's, with Claire saying to Lily: "So, he hooked up with Shelly? You must have been pissed!" Oh yeah. Flashback to Barney's apartment, where she tells him she's had Shelly reserved for Ted for three years. Barney says Ted didn't miss out on anything. Shelly is brainy, annoying and not so hot in the sack. "Oh! I guess she would have been perfect for Ted. Oops." After Lily punches him, he claims he never would have hit on her if he'd known she was there for Ted. You be the judge. Circumstances aside, Barney's pretty sure Ted will be proud of him, because he pulled off...

The Lorenzo Von Matterhorn: In which the pupil needs a basic knowledge of website design and a unique, fake name. The target should be a girl with a real nice... (a stacked woman passes in front of Barney at MacLaren's). "...phone." Barney approaches a different girl, who is texting at the bar. He acts as if she must recognize him -- the oh-so-famous Lorenzo Von Matterhorn -- and then fakes how refreshing it is that she does not. He leaves the bar, which gives the mark (in this case, Shelly) a chance to do a web search on him. During the search, she hits on many flattering pages featuring Lorenzo Von Matterhorn (Big Business Journal; The Balloon Explorers Club; and Extremities Quarterly, in which "Lorenzo" bravely shares his heartbreaking tale of his inability to surgically reduce his extra-large penis). When a reasonable amount of time has elapsed, Barney returns, and asks the refreshing Shelly out for coffee -- an invitation she jumps to accept. As they leave the bar, Tutor!Barney narrates: "And it is on," as Fantasy!Barney (who is real, in this particular scenario) (hell, I think he was real in all of those scenarios. - Z) twinks.