Barney's apartment: Lily reminds him he just got out of a real relationship. "You're a real boy now. You can't go back to these cheap tricks." This leads us to...

The Cheap Trick: Fantasy!Barney, sporting long, curly extensions, chats up a cutie at the bar, and claims to be the bass player for Cheap Trick. Twink. [This trick is actually quite expensive, because of the hair extensions involved. - Z]

Barney doesn't have time to argue with Lily, though, because he's off to perform tonight's main event...

The He's Not Coming: In which Barney approaches random women on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and in a twisted, evil version of An Affair to Remember, tells each one that he's not coming, until he meets up with a woman who was actually waiting for a "him" -- one who is vulnerable enough to fall for his crap, and fall into his arms in search of comfort. In this segment, while the theme from Romeo and Juliet plays, an attractive brunette does just that. Twink.

Ted's apartment: Robin tells Marshall, Lily and Ted that she's off to get the newspaper. The guys are playing a video game, but they're not too preoccupied to tease her that she's just as likely to get a husband. She tells them to knock it off. Ted says, "When you pick up that newspaper, be sure to check the wedding announcements..." His voice rises. "For yours!" Marshall goes into this long, complicated explanation about how every time he goes to the freezer looking for frozen waffles, there are none, but every time he goes to the freezer for something else (like the TV remote control that Lily hid there during an argument) he finds frozen waffles. "That's how it works. You go out there looking for a paper -- you're coming back with frozen waffles, and in this case, frozen waffles is a guy." A beat. "Also, could you pick up some frozen waffles? In that case, frozen waffles are frozen waffles." Just as Robin's about to exit, Barney bursts in announcing a code red. He pulled off the He's Not Coming, and it worked. As he gets into the lurid details, Robin announces she's leaving. After she's gone, Barney continues -- he left the girl to go set up his video camera (he looks at Lily and edits this to 'light some candles'), but when he was done, she was gone, and so was the playbook. There's clearly only one party to blame. Al-Qaeda. Lily agrees there's one party to blame, but she's that party. Barney says, "You sonofabitch." Commercial.