Episode Report Card
Jeff Long: A | Grade It Now!
Is That a Business Plan In Your Pocket?
s, some old guy is talking about his idea -- he's going to market his great advice. So this guy doesn't have a marketable talent is what he's saying. Tanya is next. She says that she's a poet and she values words more than others -- others who might be casually cruel with their words (she looks at Ray when she says this). Her idea though is to put poems inside of bread; sort of like a fortune cookie. Lyric Bread. Ray shakes his head like it's the dumbest thing he's ever heard. The instructor calls it "Food for the body, food for the soul." He asks the class how they feel about Tanya's idea and Ray says that she might want to consider laminating the poems, though no one would want the taste of plastic in their mouth. The class applauds though and Tanya sits down while shooting a Ray a dirty look.

Next, it's Ray's turn. He says that he's not in the mood to pitch, but the instructor pushes him. He says that he has a big dick. He's not smart or talented and doesn't know how to market his big dick. He lists the many shitty things that have happened to him -- his big dick is all he's got. But, that was a fantasy on top of a flashback. He actually said that he liked classic cars.

But, that was the spark. Later, he bought a pre-paid cell phone and a box of condoms. He puts an ad in the back pages of The Detroit Examiner. And, he pays extra to put a picture of his man parts on the online edition. He's holding the camera horizontally for the first attempt, but retakes it with the camera in a vertical position. Yowzer.

The next day, he's teaching basketball practice when he gets a phone call. On the special phone. He runs into the locker room to take the call. His hooker name is apparently "Donnie." The caller asks him to meet her on Friday and, at first, he says that he can't because he has a game. Then, he changes his response and says that he's "game." He has an appointment. He tells her that he only accepts cash.

And, now, we're back where we started. Ray is walking to the door at the hotel. He mentions that he got a full baseball scholarship to college, then was recruited by the Atlanta Braves before he got sidelined with ruptured ligaments. And, he's the second winningest basketball coach at West Lakefield High. Now, he's a whore. He knocks on the door and says, "Hey sugar, Donnie's here." We see the darkening of the eyehole in the door. Then, a note is slipped under the door. "Sorry -- changed my mind." Ouch. His dick's just a little bit smaller. He yells at the door, "Hey lady, you think this is fun for me?" Then, he kicks the door and walks away. He comes back and apologizes and says that he rearranged his Friday for this. He says forget it and is about to walk away, when another note comes under the door. "For your trouble." It's accompanied by a $50 bill.

Later, Ray is staring off of the pier at his property, to the other side of the lake. Where a green light is flashing. Gatsby much? Suddenly, Tanya calls for him. He asks her how she knows where he lives. Duh, the phone book. She tried to call him, but she can see why his number is disconnected, burnt down house and all. She tells him that he was right about the poetry bread -- there is a problem with the ink on the paper. However, she has brought him a sample. Without the poem? Because, who wants to eat a faulty prototype? She brought him the Gluten-Free Neruda Cranberry Walnut Bread. That's funny. Both Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Ethan Hawke could enjoy it. She also has a gel pen that he apparently forgot at her house. He says that it's not his pen and she replies, "Right, that's my gel pen." Ray says that he's not in the mood and she says that she's not there to jump his bones. She has been worried about him. The class they're taking is expensive and he has missed several sessions. He tells her that he lied about what his winning tool was. He's not good with vintage cars.

Inside the tent, Tanya is looking at Ray's ad. "Big Donnie will give you every inch of his love." She asks why he's showing this to her. He tells her this is his ad. She gave him the idea. "To be a man whore? Ray, that's disgusting!" Ray reminds her that she's 40 ("I'm 38!") and has no job or kids -- she shouldn't be so insulting. She asks him how the ad has worked for him and he tells her about what happened that day. Tanya starts laughing when he tells her that the woman changed her mind after looking at him. She says that "Big Donnie" is the wrong persona. He needs to sell himself better. Also, he needs to include a picture of himself. Ray says that he put a picture of himself on the website, but she meant a picture of his face. He freaks out and says that he is a "highly-respected educator" and no one can know his identity. She excitedly tells him that, when he missed the class on creative marketing, he didn't learn all of the myriad ways one can sell oneself. She says that she'll help him, when she's not working on Lyric Bread. For a percentage of his profits. Like a...pimp? Yes. It looks like they have an agreement. Hmm. Interesting. So, Tanya's a pro-sex lady. Doesn't exactly mesh with her super-sappy center, but it's believable. Perhaps Ray got to her with the comments about her age and status. Maybe pimping was her real winning tool?

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