I Love Money

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Fake Is Just As Good

Challenge Time! What will be this week's reality-inspired adventure? Whiteboy is not worried because his top two alliance mates are there still. Is that foreshadowing I hear? Hoopz adds to the growing cloud of foreshadowing by interviewing that it is more important than ever to be Paymaster, because Paymaster is the only safe position and you can't trust anyone. Ooh scary. Craig explains the challenge. It's called the Barflympics. (You can read that as Barfly Olympics or Barf Olympics. Ingenius, no?) Much like the other Olympics, this one is made up of several events. There's the Sit and Spin, the Praying to the Porcelain God, and the Kiss Off. I just made those up right now. Right off the top of my head. Amazing! That's why I get paid the mediocre bucks. Pumkin is up first. She dons her required "Beer Goggles" and sits and spins twenty times on her barstool. She stumbles to the bar crawl, falling several times, and knocking over a bunch of glasses and racking up the penalty points. She runs back to the bar stool, spins twenty more times, runs to the "margarita bar" and then sucks down the guacamole-looking concoction and spits in the toilet bowl all the way up to the spew line. She takes a moment in the confessional to say that this is the most disgusting thing she has ever had in her mouth. The editors kindly give us a montage of more disgusting things Pumkin has had in her mouth, namely: Mr. Boston's tongue. Egads. With green goo running down her face she manages to kiss some poor old dude and cross the finish line with an embarrassing time of eleven minutes and one second. To her credit she did take the time to call out her apologies to the unfortunate Senor she made out with. Real is next. He has a surprise tactic: He takes off his shoes. With that unique strategy, he makes it through the bar with no demerits. He chugs and spews his margaritas and kisses the senorita (no apology) and crosses the line with a time of five minutes and thirty seconds. He is decisively in the lead. That'll show Whiteboy who he is dealing with. Whiteboy follows. He gets really dizzy from the Sit and Spin and falls a lot. He crosses the line in eight minutes and thirty seconds. Megan is next and totally gives Real a run for his money and crosses the finish line in five minutes and five seconds. In the confessional Hoopz isn't surprised because Megan is drunk 24-7. It's nice to have that frequent supposition confirmed by an eyewitness. Hoopz is the last to compete. In a record time of four minutes and twenty-one seconds, Hoopz is the first back-to-back Paymaster in show history. Since Pumkin lost, her check immediately goes into the Box of Elimination. She is nervous. Does anyone care? I didn't think so. Know what I do care about? The blatant human rights abuses on this show. How can they force some poor old man and a poor little woman to sit in wicker chairs and be forced to kiss these disgusting contestants with green goo running down their faces? Cruel and unusual! Where is Amnesty International? Where is Human Rights Watch? Where is OSHA? Write a damn letter to your Congressman. This travesty cannot go unchallenged.

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I Love Money

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